Happy Songs (高兴)

田原：电影《高兴》（Gao Xing, 2009）歌曲二首

为什么呢 作　词／作　曲：肖飞、小文；演　唱：郭涛、田原 女：确定一定以及肯定 　　把我抱在你怀里 　　紧紧的相偎依 　　然后大声说出 合：我爱你 男：为什么呢？我捡破烂的 　　为什么呢？我臭烘烘的 　　为什么呢？难道你可怜我？ 女：为什么呢？我是按摩小姐 　　为什么呢？你却不嫌弃我 　　为什么呢？是锅巴惹的祸…… 男：别看我现在很落寞　小时候妈妈很疼我 　　经常带我去县城　去百货　去各种公共场合 　　人见人爱的我　吸引了不少的游客 　　他们边看边问妈妈说 　　大姐，你们家猴儿哪儿买的？ 女：确定　一定　以及　肯定 男：为什么呢？我捡破烂的。为什么呢？我臭烘烘的 女：我已经爱上你　（男：为什么呢？　） 女：永远不分离　　（男：难道你可怜我） 女：你是我的唯一　 合：为什么呢 女：我是按摩小姐　（男：你是按摩小姐） 合：为什么呢？ 女；你会欣赏我　　（男：你会爱上我　） 合：为什么呢 女：是锅巴惹的祸…… 男：大声说出 女：…爱…………　（男：你爱我……　） 男：为什么呢？ 女：为什么呢？

洗浴中心 作　词／作　曲：肖飞、秦天 我们是天你们是地 没有我们就没有你 你来这里放松身体 放松神经别太着急 胃口不好头晕肾虚 心脏不好你要调理 别想太多　来个深呼吸 快乐安然　要从现在起 女：你们应该放松　精神 男：我们只是想放松精神 　　我们只是想忘记自己 女：千万不要忘记　自己 男：我们只是想身体健康 女：只要身体就　好　好 男：所以我们才来到这里 早睡早起锻炼身体 少荤多素要有规律 学会放松善待自己 事业第二身体第一 快乐就是不愁不急 腰酸背疼按摩脚底 快乐开心是硬道理 松骨推油不弃不离 ………… 附：其他歌曲和视频在此下载。

Chinese to English (年少闯西洋)

★、房东问我：Did you eat anything yet? （你吃饭了吗？）我说：No.（没吃）。她听后重复一遍：So you didn’t eat anything.（所以你还没吃饭）我说：Yes.（是的——中文本意是肯定房东的话，英语听起来却是“吃了”）。房东老太太犹豫了下，又问：Did you eat?（你到底吃了没）我说：No.（没有）她接着说：So you didn’t eat?（所以你没吃？）我说：Yes.（是的）……估计她当时要崩溃了……
★、刚上班不久，有个公司的A/R打电话来催支票，我循例问了一下他是哪间公司打来的，那男的很有礼貌的说：“This is Jack calling from Beach Brother.”（我是Beach Brother的Jack）……当时听懂了好开心。不过由于对公司名字还不熟，心想先用笔记下来公司名，省得等下忘记了。正得意忘形之间，顺嘴开始拼写人家公司的名字，还说得一本正经：“b.i.t.c.h......bitch, correct?（贱货，荡妇）”……那男的终于还是没能忍住怒火，近似于怒吼似的对我喊道：“NO!!! B.E.A.C.H......BEACH!!!!!!（海滩）”……接下来的一年里，再没跟这间公司有过任何生意往来……
★、第一次跟老外去打paintball，玩的是抢旗的那种。由于第一次玩，一直跟着个看起来很专业的队友跑，一路上躲着子弹跑到对方的base。我们人都挂了，对方就剩一个人在看老家。就听那老外跟我说了一大堆术语，我也没听懂。他看我没听懂就跟我说：It’s easy. Just cover me when I go out.　说完了就喊了一声：Cover me!　然后跑了出去，我也不懂他是让我掩护他，没等我想清楚他就跑了。我就顺手从一个箱子上扯下来一块帆布，丢他头上，把他盖住了。结果他就光荣牺牲了。当时大部分人都挂了，在旁边观战。所有人都笑趴了。
★、在温哥华乘skytrain的时候，一个白人女人说：I am sorry（对不起）……我直接说：You are welcome（不客气）……对方都呆了。
★、我刚来的时候邻居小孩看见我跟我说what’s up（最近怎样？）我疑惑的朝天上看了半天然后说了句“up?”……那孩子顿时无语。
★、老黑跟我说的是sup（what's up 的简称）……我没听懂……我也回：“sup”……瑟~~~
★、读语言学校的时候，一个哥们儿很爱讲，和老师聊天练习英语。口沫横飞了半天，那老师很生气的说：Don’t speak Chinese to me.
★、刚来时写信把 From/To写反了，邮了两天回到自己家……
★、刚来的时候看到很多大厦门口都有Smoke free（可以吸烟）……我由衷地感叹：加拿大就是好，抽烟都免费！
★、我一个朋友，想在家做饭。家里没有油，就去超市买了一瓶回来。开火，放油，然后锅里开始出现大量泡沫，接着烧了起来……回头一问房东，他买的是洗洁精……
★、讲一个我老公的笑话：去年过情人节，我让他买点牛排回来。出门前怕他忘记了，就给写了一张纸条。吃饭的时候他说他去LOBLAW买牛排的时候，给店员说来两块T-BACK牛排，店员愣住，他以为店员没有听清楚，又重复了一遍，T-BACK STEAK PLEASE！店员这次听到了，顿时石化！我老公见店员愣在那里，连忙把我写的纸条递过去，那小伙子一看，上书：T-BONE STEAK！这回轮到我老公石化，尴尬不已了！
★、一个好朋友刚来加拿大，有一天口渴了想喝可乐。她到便利店很大声的说“Excuse me, do you have coke?”……可是我朋友刚出国，英文尚有很重的口音，好端端的COKE让她说出来就变成了“Excuse me, do you have cock?”店主听得一惊一乍的，连连说：WHAT??? WHAT?!!最后店主终于弄明白她想要喝可乐，钱货两清之后，见我朋友多半是初来乍到，还很好心的给我朋友说以后去买可乐不能再问别人有没有COCK了，那样很让人误会！本来我朋友完全不知道发生了什么事，可是听了店主解释以后恨不得立刻找个地缝钻进去！以后很长一段时间都不喝可乐了！
★、一次跟一个兄弟去吃饭，那大哥吃饱以后指著满桌剩下的碟子一边划圈一边问服务生How much, all this, how much?　服务生五官扭曲的看著他……我最后实在忍不住了，告服务生说他想买单，结果服务生走以后他还不爽，说人服务生就快明白了我打什么岔……
★、还有一次是去McDonald，问朋友“圣代”的英文怎么说。他就说是音译sundae。我茅塞顿开，恍然大悟，十分自信的说了一句……那“奶昔”是不是叫“Nancy”????朋友当场喷可乐……
★、第一次打电话叫TAXI。对方问where you from.....我回答CHINA，还在奇怪叫taxi还分国籍？对方可能以为我在搞笑，很郁闷的说：Sorry, we cannot do that.（抱歉我们去不了）……我一听，火大。怎么有种族歧视啊？就问：Why？对方楞了半天，挂了……
★、我朋友的事，有一回，她去买pizza，人家问她选配料。她想要mushroom（蘑菇），结果她说Mash Maro（流氓兔）。人家疯了~~
★、刚到US的朋友，到了纽约，想去看自由女神，但是不知道路。于是乎在路边抓了一个白佬：Hi, do you know where is the free woman?（你知道哪里可以找到不要钱的女人）白老愣了半天，支支吾吾：I...... don’t know......Tell me when you know it.（我不知道，你要是知道也告诉我一下）
★、小学在国内刚学英语的时候，有一天老师问大家土豆用英语怎么说？全体同学很整齐的回答：“today”。
★、小时候不清楚Family跟Husband的分别。上学没多久，老师问我：“衣服很好看，谁买的?”我居然弱弱的答：“My Husband”。
★、有一天去KFC，要土豆泥，不会说，就在那里跟cashier苦喊potato sauce。她以为我SB呢，然后，给我了7,8袋ketchup。……被鄙视了~~~~~
★、在加拿大帮老外拔火罐，但是罐很容易掉，我的英语不好，我解释说：You have too much fur。他听了之后大笑：It is hair, not fur, fur is for animal。我也大笑了起来。
★、有一天看见我住的HOUSE门前插了个有人像的照片拍子，以为房东要卖房，照片上的人是房产经纪。第二天日，突然发现，周围一片都被插上同样的牌子，心想这个经纪厉害。出去转了一天感觉不对，所到之处都是他在卖房，太NB了，还没见过一夜之间全城的房子都给一个经纪垄断了……研究一下才知道，妈的，选举广告……
★、我朋友刚来的时候不认识什么人，所以在班上试图交朋友。一日，觉得一白人哥们人挺好，想要人家电话号码，日后做朋友。于是问：HOW MANY IS YOU PHONE NUMBER? （你电话号码多少位数字？）白人说：TEN.（加拿大号码是十位的）……
★、有个人来还钱，去银行说从他某处直接转账过来：“Put my card money to her card （把我卡里的钱放在她的卡里，中式英语）”……然后看到那个bank的职员，整个五官扭成一团……
★、刚来的时候，去BURGER KING去吃饭，点完汉堡，人家问我要酱不，我说要，人家问，哪种？我忘了番茄酱咋说了，想了半天，想出了个JAM，人家还听不懂，最后一赌气说，IT’S UP TO YOU（你说了算）。
★、刚来去ESL，跟老师请假后去JOB FAIR。回来老师在班上问如何？我想说太多老外，答成：TOO MANY FORIENGERS!（太多老外了）老师说：You Are The Forienger In CANADA.（在加拿大你是老外）
★、刚来加拿大的时候去酒吧玩……而且还带了一个美美去的，她在国外呆了很一段时间。我看她很吊的样子，于是我就装的很帅，走过去打算请她喝酒，于是我问她，喝什么酒，她说：sex ON THE beach……但是当时很吵，我也压根不知道酒吧里都啥酒名，听成 son of bitch...当时我也愣了下。可是吧台很性感的bar tender（酒保）已经在等我叫酒，我回头大声地喊：Can I have a son of bitch（来一杯狗娘养的）……接下来……我不想再回忆了……
★、有一次听到同学在打电话投诉Rogers乱收费，打的是英文客服，结果越骂越激动，最后来了一句I am very HUNGRY now!　那老大原本是想说I am very angry now……客服啥反应我是不知道了，那老大讲完自己就石化了，我已经倒地上……
★、在home stay住。想洗澡，跟房东说了后，房东说：Go ahead。我当时寻思：去个头的意思，是能去还是不能去啊？
★、有次买车票，工作人员问我one way?　我回答：No, two way。他又问了我几遍我的答案还是一样的……结果那人很郁闷地看着我~~~后来才反应过来自己还在中文的思维中~~~我把他的意思解释为One way==一位？我们是两个人，所以two way==两位。
★、第一次去唐人街吃粥，当时服务员都讲广东话。我叫了个果子（油条）和一碗粥。不久服务员就端了杯桔子汁，我以为送的，什么都没说，粥都喝完了，油条还没来。准备结帐时和服务员抱怨没吃到果子。服务员说：你的“果汁”不是喝了么？
★、想起还有一个朋友在语言学校时的东北一小哥的笑话，不过那男孩是好心。那天那小哥下课快到家了，结果看到两辆车撞了，他就出于好心报警了，“Hi, My name is XYZ, a car ed a car, I see red water, plz cal Wuliwuli come ......”　解释一下，a car ed a car 就是car crash（撞车）, red water他是想说blood（血）, wuliwuli是ambulance（救护车）。因为ambulance的声音听起来是这样子的……其实他是想说：there’s a car crash here, someone injured. Plz call ambulance come over......最搞得是，police竟然听明白了，警车和ambulance马上就到了……牛啊！！！
★、我的一个朋友说，当时他一个不懂英文的朋友刚来多伦多，自己一个人出去了，迷路了然后打电话给他，他说没关系你把你现在的地方路名拼给我听，他朋友一个字母一个字母地拼出来了“S--T--O--P" （车站）。我那朋友当场就乐傻啦！
★、刚来上发现老外都喜欢用铅笔，所以去book store跟风买铅笔和橡皮。找不到橡皮就问Do you have ruber? 人家笑笑说让我去phamacy（药店）买。郁闷……为什么去药店买橡皮，去了药店问do you have ruber? 人家笑笑拿给我一盒避孕套。我倒~~！！原来加拿大管橡皮叫eraser.
★、刚来的时候，经常说you too....结果我生日那天，我的home-stay mom买了个生日蛋糕给我，还跟我说happy birthday......结果我很快的就来了句：you too.（你也是）
★、还有刚来加拿大的时候去买快餐，英文很烂的我就说：I want combo one,（大号的）后来那个人又说了一大堆英文问我要洋葱cheese（奶酪）么之类的？我听不懂就一个劲说：i want combo one。后来我看见那个人像中国人，我就直接问他Can you spell Chinese? （你能拼写中文吗？）然后那个人郁闷了好久我为啥问他能不能拼Chinese。后来才发现是speak不是spell............丢脸……
★、一同学第一次去吃McDonald。结果进去后一紧张，大声说了句：I want to this han baobao，边说边指。对方一时不知所措，我那同学又重复了N遍……
★、有个朋友来加拿大第一次去吃牛排，服务员问：How would you like your steak done?　我朋友没听懂，就听别人点的时候说medium，他就想“我不能跟他们学”。他就跟服务员说：Large please.　服务员一愣，说sorry we don’t have that.　然后他又说，Small please.　服务员又吓了一跳，说sorry we don’t have that.　他身边的朋友着急了，告诉他，人家问你牛排要几分熟。他随口就说80%。服务员又一愣说，sorry we don’t have that……
★、刚来没多久，BMO打电话给我介绍很多关于银行服务的东西，我一直答：“ok, ok, ok”，然后她一直说一直说，说了大概10~15分钟，似乎讲完的意思，我完全听不懂，然后说了一句：“Sorry, I don’t understand.”最后换她说了一句“OK”，然后就挂线了！
★、刚来加拿大的时候，去学校上课谁都不认识，然后中午自己吃饭。听同学说有家的咖啡很不错，然后就想去买。可是走错地方了，跑去了一个法国餐厅。就坐下来点了个最便宜的。吃完饭，不知道咋埋单。然后看到隔壁桌有个男的说：bill。就听到bill这个词了，然后就把服务生叫过来说：I am finished，bill bill~~~然后还顺势用手做手枪的手势给那女的看。这回人家可吓坏了……然后叫了俩男的过来，把我朋友也吓坏了。解释了半天，才出去……
★、上课时，老师要给我们发邮件，就让我们一个一个说邮件地址，轮到我，我直接顺口就说：XXXX圈儿msn点儿com，~~~~~
★、一次坐公车，准备下车起来时，不小心碰到了旁边的人，下意识地说了句：“不好意思”。结果那人看着我，什么反映都没有，然后我才意识到，赶紧改口说SORRY。
★、陪朋友去配眼镜。朋友在两副眼镜间挑选。我想问：“Which one is pricy?”（哪个更贵）结果说成：“Which one is spicy?”（哪个更辣）……卖眼镜那女的蹬大眼睛望着我……好在我马上改正。
★、我妈一天晚上从超市回来开车，天黑了，倒车的时候，突然喊了句：“妈呀，前面的车无人驾驶啊……”我楞了，仔细一看……是个小黑在开车……还有跟我爸妈去超市，看见一个好像南美洲的人，我爸说，“你看人家买东西，不看价，啥都要，都往小车里拿……”后来我才明白，那是超市理货员，人家是把不该放那的东西拿走……
★、过关的时候，因为带两个不同颜色的隐形眼镜，海关人员问我怎么回事，当时不会说隐形眼镜，就直接取下来给他看。周围的人都看着特郁闷……
★、以前在澳洲读书的时候，有一次，上语言课，老师让造句，意思是没有车的话，我们就不去了。我一同学直接起来回答：NO CAR NO GO！！！
★、有个ESL的女老师，在白板上写字，我冲她的背影大叫：“Excuse me, sir.”　她转过来说：I need to consider which washroom I should go.（我需要想想要去哪一个厕所）
★、还记得刚来CA没多久，周末和几个好朋友去当地的farmer market（农产品市场）凑热闹。过两天回学校上课，老师问我们周末都有什么活动？其中一个去的朋友的英文发音实在不敢恭维，而且是女生，根本不懂英文的脏话，直接就跟professor说：We went to ****er market in weekend.（周末去了色情市场）……我听了差点吐血……
★、刚来的时候去麦当劳吃饭。没有餐巾。跟人说要paper（paper是纸，餐巾纸应该是tissue）那人过会给我拿来了张白纸，还问do you need a pen?（还要笔吗？）我狂晕了半天，然后是跑去厕所洗手的……
★、我的某人初来报道，跑到Ｍ记买面包。之前表现很是不错，一直维持到服务员问：here or to go（堂食还是外带）？第一次接触外带餐这词，还好思维敏捷马上明白过来了，可是嘴上紧张，对着那男服务员直接喊出：“Let’s go!”......服务员石化一秒后，说了句OK。
★、刚到时不知听谁说的，加拿大的公车是感应的，你站到后门就能开，我们一溜人下车，其中一个女孩走最前，她脚踩下去后看门没反应，就想，这儿的老外都那么大体形，是不是因为她太瘦小了，分量不够，门感应不到呀，于是她又上来一个台阶，然后重重的跳下去。其实俺们没拉绳，人家哪知道有人要下车呀……
★、去吃麦当劳，指着上面的套餐点了个看着顺眼的，人老外问我要喝什么饮料，当时不知道是个套餐，想着还是省钱吧，俺不喝了，就说不用不用，人老外还特地道的问：Are u sure（你确定吗）？我还不知感激的心里想：“就不买，就不让你们赚”。哎……亏了……
★、学校当时强迫要星期天去教会。听不懂那个牧师说话，礼拜完了的时候，老师很好心跟牧师说：我的新学生，祝福他吧。然后牧师把手放我肩上说了一堆#$%^$$#。我不知道怎么react（回应）~~~我也把手放他肩上~~~~~~~~~老师嘴巴变O型了。
★、我一朋友，中午去吃汉堡，厨子问他要加什么，他说：tomato, cheese, and washroom （本想说mushroom，就是蘑菇的意思；washroom意为厕所）。当时所有人流汗到地-_-
★、一个朋友刚来的时候去M.C点了个套餐。就听casher说“@#￥#@……%……”（不习惯当然听不懂了）　我朋友就说“yes”。然后casher又说“!#￥%@#￥%”。我朋友说“yes”。后面一个中国人实在忍不住了，告诉他“他问你是要刷卡还是给cash，你yes个啥呀？”……
★、一起上ESL，有个大哥每天都坐第一排，特认真地听课。有一天老师看他这么认真，上课就主动和他讲话。老师说：“How are you?”他说：twenty-two。老师忍了下，说：what did you do yesterday? 他说：yes。从此老师再没和他对过话~~~
★、我朋友刚来，坐公车。有个传教士类的人特友好地跟他打招呼，说How is going? 他说：go to school~~~~~那个人一下就不会说话了……
★、刚上初中那会儿第一次去学校厕所，而且一般都要和OFFICE里的人报告。屁颠屁颠地跑去了，一到那里是个白人大妈值班，看到我问我要干啥。我想说厕所(washroom)是不是太土了点就和她说：Where is the bedroom located? I need to pee。然后就看那大妈瞪着我问：Excuse me?……我还特傻地继续问：Bedroom, you know where u pee and poo =.= 大妈想了想就微笑地和我说：I’m sorry honey. We don’t have a bedroom in school, but if u r looking for a bathroom, it’s down the hall.………我当时就汗了，把bathroom说成bedroom =.=|||
★、来的第二年了，我去商店买鞋，然后拿着就去问营业员：Is this made of beef or pork (俺的意思就是猪皮还是牛皮的)，那个营业员的表情到现在都记得。
★、刚来，去SENECA体育馆打羽毛球，不会说羽毛球，连手势带比划，看门小姐还是不懂。急了！！！大声的说：I want a ball can fly, like a bird. Please!!!　看门小姐一脸迷茫的跟我说了一堆。我还是没懂。同去的朋友告诉我说：她不负责抓鸟。
★、我舅舅刚来多伦多没多久发生了车祸。警察来了问他当时的情况。他说：I stop, he not, so "BONG" ! * BONG* 就是那撞车的声音……
★、刚来不久和爸爸去买东西，买了之后发现隔壁卖的更便宜，就想退货。人家问为什么要退，我词量有限，就指著我爸说：“he just wants his money back.”
★、刚来的时候地理老师叫Mr.Saker。我叫成了Mr.Sucker。后来地理差点儿没pass。
★、跟一个女生去银行开户，一个银行职员很亲切地走上前来，还没开口说话，就听那女生说“May I help you?”职员当时就石化，我就在后面拉她衣服，她侧头跟我说，别捣乱别捣乱。然后又对人家说了一次“MAY I HELP YOU”
★、刚来的时候我们三人行，好朋友，两女一男。有天合伙去市场，那个男生想买茄子，上来就问：“How much for one kilometer?”我和另一个女生觉得太丢脸，默默的闪开假装不认识他。
★、某某老公刚来的时候英语很不好，坐天车的时候不小心踩了一个白人女的的脚，结果他想躲开的时候不小心又踩了那女的另一只脚。那女的就瞪着他，他想说“I’M SORY”……结果一着急就特别大声的说成了“IT’S OK!”然后那女的就也特别大声的回他一句：“IT’S NOT OK!!!”全车人都疯了……
★、一个朋友，才来英国不都是要去警察局注册嘛，我那个朋友当时英文不是一般的差，他连警察局怎么说都不知道。但是他还是很有勇气，一个人打算去警察局注册。走在路上，他随便抓了一个老爷爷，想问说警察局在哪里。但是他发音不标准，把police说成please，那个老爷爷挣扎了半天，听不懂。他着急了：“please啊，wear hat, use gun！”一边说一边还比划动作。终于那个老爷爷听懂了，然后回答他：“you want to find police? they are everywhere!”他更着急了，于是大声说：“no no no, I want a group of please, they stand together....”那个老爷爷这次真的听懂了，原来他是要找police station！于是老爷爷把他带去了，还对police说这个从中国来的小伙子英文不好，他需要帮助。
★、朋友的男朋友好猛，他刚来的时候去超市，人家问他要不要cash back，他还以为买东西还有钱收，就说要！人家问他要多少，他就跟人家说：as much as possible!
★、去SHOPPERS买掏耳朵的棉棒，一边做掏耳朵的动作一边问：DO U HAVE CONDOM STICK?　店员巨迷茫的两手一摊WHAT?　我朋友立马使劲掏耳朵CONDOM啊,CONDOM STICK啊……表演了半天，店员恍然大悟：DO U MEAN COTTON Q TIPS?（注：CONDOM是安全套）
★、我朋友叫李硕，刚来英国第二天有个老外问他：Are you sure?（你确定吗）他想都没想还笑嘻嘻的跟人说：Yes, I am Shuo Lee!（我是李硕）
★、刚来的时候，住一个寄宿家庭的男生非要请我吃饭，结果就去了麦当劳。他问我你要什么，我帮你点。我说我就要第一个的那个meal就行。他说行，我跟你吃一样的。结果老哥上去就跟人家说：“Number one two." （一号和二号）点餐的白人听不懂，他跟人家大声地重复了三遍，他自己还特生气。
★、我有一女朋友刚来，长的不错，遇一阿×搭讪，那哥们儿特直接，张口就问我朋友：R u married?（你结婚了吗）我朋友楞了下，来了句：I am not MARY, I am SHERRY.（我不是Mary，我是Sherry）她以为人家问她你是MARY吗？
★、第一次来英国正好遇上入关检查特严，她妈妈让她给这边的一个朋友带了个金华火腿，被狗狗闻出来了，就被领去office了。然后officer就要她解释用报纸包起来的东西是什么。我那同学说：leg。然后那officer一脸被吓到的表情，问了句"Pardon"……然后我那朋友很大声重复说leg！她说我当时想那officer怎么连火腿都不懂，还特地在自己腿上比划了半天：leg啊……leg……就是leg啊……要不是后来有个中国人帮她我估计她在英国第一站是警察局……
★、刚来的时候和朋友打电话去必胜客。菜单上面是super supreme。我就很激动的对着电话喊：我要一个 super super me !!!!对方茫然。我还激动的大喊了好几声：super super me !~~对方继续茫然啊……拼出来以后对方才说：哦哦哦，super supreme ……一年都没有再定必胜客的东西。
★、一个人说刚出国，人家问他最近干什么，他说去看电影，然后问他有什么好电影，他说过两天有一部电影叫“COMING SOON”。
★、刚来英国不久，逛街的时候路上总有很多人发传单，所以就习惯性的会说：NO, THANKS。结果有次人家给的是新年宣传纸，还跟我说：HAPPY NEW YEAR。结果我很快回答：NO, THANKS。
★、想找份PART TIME的工作，看到有招工的，还有电话，我就打电话过去。当时刚来这里，好怕打电话。人家接电话，我一激动就说成：Do you need a job?
★、上英语课，跟同学做interview......我问她喜欢做什么。她说：hanging out in the cafeteria with friends......我当时就奇怪，为什么她喜欢吊在餐厅呢？然后我去问那个助教。我还做了嗰吊死的动作。她看后，笑到疯了……我却很无奈……嗨！hanging out...
★、前两天去店里买了一瓶啤酒，结帐的时候一个超级帅哥男店员问，How　old　are　you?　心里一惊，想难不成他要ASK　ME　OUT，就回答：17。然后那男的就说，ID　PLEASE。
★、刚来英国的时候老是不记得司机的位置和国内是反的。那时候叫出租车来了之后，司机帮我装完行李，就跟着他往前走，还想“他真绅士，要帮我开车门”。等他开完车门，转头看我站在身后，就无比绅士的笑着问我：“Do　you　want　to　drive?　
★、刚从国内回来，打了个车回去。车费大约八欧左右，我胳膊扭伤，所以我就给那个人十块，还解释说我受伤了，我给你十块，能不能帮我把箱子拉到前面一点去。说着就把钱给他。可是他就是不接，我正觉得怎么讲不通的时候，那个司机把钱递到我面前问我这是什么，我才发现原来我给的是人民币。
★、刚来的时候都很节省，一天五个男人去麦当劳，啥都看不懂....说那就买个便宜点的吧，五个人还都买一样的.....结果付钱的时候人家问了句“Sure?"还很郁闷，干吗啊，不能吗？结果拿到手一看，happy　meal......五个大男人，就在那坐着吃happy　meal，还带着玩具的呢。
★、我的同学，一个男生，刚来英国的时候要去银行开户存钱，他想存3000，可是一开口对着那个casher说，3-million。结果那个lady说你等等，一会，那家银行的经理出来了......
★、我们几个留学生在纽约一家中餐馆吃饭。看到有许多洋鬼子，我们就在那里议论说“这里老外还挺多”。因为我们桌上的都是从国内来的，大家也没想什么风土人情，一边吃一边把国内的习惯都带来了，高着嗓门在那里一会儿“老外”这个、一会儿“老外”那个地胡侃起来。正吃得高兴，邻桌一个老外结完了帐，走过我们的桌子，用标准的中文说了句：“朋友，在这里，你们才是‘老外’！”
★、刚来英国就去伦敦那个很有名的鬼城。一群人在黑暗里走着走着突然跳出一个扮鬼的工作人员大声喊着：谁要走最后我就吃了谁。只见一群人尖叫着往前跑，我同学还倒回来对那个工作人员说：Pardon???
★、朋友路遇外国小姐，小姐问：Doing a business?　朋友新来很老实，说：NO, I AM DOING engineering.
★、第一天报到，一个很漂亮的白人女生微笑的对我说，What's up?　我抬起头看了看天花板......回答道：Nothing Up.....
★、别人对我说“Give　me　Five”，我掏出了五块钱给他。

一根筋学英语

★、如果geese(鹅)的单数形式是goose，Portuguese(葡萄牙人)的单数为什么不能是Portugoose？
★、如果Poland(波兰)的人叫Poles，Holland(荷兰)的人为什么不能叫Holes？
★、如果infants(婴儿)可以享受infancy(婴儿期)，adults(成年人)为什么不可以享受adultery？
★、如果女士可以在nightclub(夜总会)穿eveninggowns，她们为什么不能穿nightgowns？
★、如果一个弹奏piano(钢琴)的人叫pianist，驾驶racecar(赛车)的人为什么不能叫racist？
★、如果look与see的意义相近，为何overlook与oversee的意义相反？
★、如果horrific与horrible的意义相近，为何terrific与terrible的意义相反？
★、tomb、comb和bomb的拼写相近而发音却毫不相同。当年发明英语的人是否有点乱来？
★、为什么伏特加酒＋桔汁＋镁乳＝Phillips　Screwdriver?
★、有谁能在英语中找到与month、orange、silver或purple押韵的词?
★、为什么你要启动你的手表就windup，而如果你要结束一件事情也要windup？
★、你把所有的前给那个人去投资，他却使你穷得一个子儿不剩(broke)。有什么比把那个人称作broker更恰当的？
★、为什么美国的football不怎么用脚？
★、为什么明明是美国人自己与自己打的棒球赛却偏要称之为World　Series(世界大赛)？
★、一个教士被开除称作defrocked，如果以此类推，能不能对电工说：“You　are　delighted！”对音乐家说：“You　are　denoted！”对模特儿说：“You　are　deposed！”对烫衣妇说：“You　are　depressed！”或对导游小姐说：“You　are　de　toured！”？

签名档的故事

　　一个朋友的MSN昵称后面写着：Do　people　want　thick　road。看到之后我颇为感慨：这句话真是问出了很多人的心声。人们是不是总希望走在拥挤的路上呢？人们是不是总是害怕孤独呢？但是一个want，又说明其实人还是孤独的。所以才会want。但是由于是问句，所以可能说话的人也很疑惑。到底是不是所有人都需要？可能他感到了孤独，但是他周围的人的行为却让他觉得。也许不是所有人的感觉都跟他一样。也许他最近遇到了什么事情了吧。这可能还是要问他本人才行。我正感慨着，我这个朋友上线了。我给他发消息：你的昵称真好，能告诉我具体什么意思吗？他很快给我发过来回复：

……

……

……

　　做人要厚道
　　做人要厚道！！
　　做人要厚道！！！！！！
　　做人要厚道！！！！！！！！！！！！

The Microsoft Blog

Memo: 66 Volt workers have not accepted wage cuts

　　Some Microsoft contractors are apparently following through on threats to refuse pay cuts mandated in recent weeks.
　　According to an internal memo obtained by the Seattle P-I, 66 employees at Volt, which is generally considered to be Microsoft's largest temporary staffing firm, have not signed amendments to their contracts, which would include 10 percent pay cuts. If contractors do not accept the wage cuts, they lose their jobs. The memo shows that one of the 66 is on vacation. However, some of the other employees are marked as "thinking" or having "escalated".
　　A Volt manager did not respond to a message seeking comment this afternoon.
　　Earlier this month, Microsoft alerted its temporary staffing firms that it would cut bill rates by 10 percent as part of a cost-cutting measure. All of the major firms have since cut wages.

Contractors protest Microsoft wage cuts

　　About 15 temporary staffers employed at Microsoft gathered at a prominent intersection outside the company's corporate headquarters in Redmond Monday evening to protest upcoming wage cuts.
　　Microsoft told its temporary staffing agencies two weeks ago that it would cut its bill rates by 10 percent, in an effort to slash the amount it spends on contingent staff by up to 15 percent.
　　All of the major staffing agencies have since alerted employees that they will need to agree to wage cuts of as much as 10 percent or lose their jobs.
　　The contractors protesting Monday at the intersection of 156th Avenue and Northeast 40th Street said the ultimatum is unfair because they agreed to a fixed pay rate when they signed on to their Microsoft assignments, which typically last at most one year.
　　The staffing agencies argue that they can cut wages because the workers are employed at will.
　　"I think it's a really bad precedent that Microsoft is setting," said Twilight Wade, a software design engineer in test, who works for the Volt staffing agency.
　　"What's the point of a contract if it's not honored?" He said he would not agree to the cut and would likely therefore lose his job Tuesday.
　　Phil Palios, a Volt software design engineer in test, organized the protest, e-mailing a list of 2,000 contractors to tell them about it.
　　The protest was notably low-key, and attendance was much less than Palios had predicted. Palios held the only sign, upon which he had scrawled, "No Pay Cuts." A few cars driving by honked. But Palios pledged to stand at the intersection each day for the next two weeks and said the protest was a start.
　　"We need to show how we're all here together," he said, asking his fellow protesters to brainstorm ideas about how they could organize.
　　A Microsoft spokesman declined to comment about the situation.
　　Over the last month, the company has taken a series of other steps to cut costs. Microsoft has slashed 1,400 jobs and has said it will lay off up to an additional 3,600 employees over the next 18 months.

⇒ Show All Comments - Originally from Seattle Tech Report

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/2/09 8:59 p.m.
The fact that we contractors have contracts completely negates any other argument. We signed an agreement to work for our employers on assignment for a full year at [x] amount. Our contracts have been breached. It was done without any chance at negotiation from those of us doing the work. Instead we have been handed an ultimatum of accept it or walk.
Nowhere in our contract does it state that this can be done. The conditions to which we signed on have been altered without our consent. Any other argument is superfluous.
While it may be true that Microsoft did not alter our contracts, this is the excuse our employers have used to justify their actions. In the blanket emails that went out notifying employees of the mandatory change the fact that MS cut their budget to contigent staff was the sole reason for our pay cut. As such our employers have stated that this was the fault of a MS action and logic would dictate that MS also has the ability to alter that. So anger at both parties, MS and our direct employers, is appropriate since both blame the other but in the end it is we workers who are out 10% of our agreed upon wages.
Statements such as "they should be happy to even have jobs" are the whines from those who succumb to fear tactics. If we do not make noise about this, if we don't publicize what's happening then we're party to this illegal act. Perhaps if those who happen to be unemployed were not silent they'd still have jobs. Who's to say? But keeping quiet is not an option.

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Posted by Scampi at 3/2/09 8:44 p.m.
"Intel outsourcing some Atom manufacturing to TSMC".
10 percent less next year...
TSMC actually has a plant here in WA. http://www.wafertech.com/
Just so you know for future reference. :)
As for this unionization garbage? Man, I've got 0 interest in that. If MS is going to cut pay across the board, i'd rather it keep a company healthy then end up making the same money at the end of the day as I do now because that overage now goes to union dues.
Let's be honest here, the only winners here are the people who cut the costs and will get good reviews, and this Phil guy who's spearheading this. He'll end up the big class-action winner, and the rest of us will end up with MORE restrictions to how/where/when we can work, what our pay scale is, and worse off in the end.
I was part of the suit class in the Vizcaino suit. I didn't believe in it, but it was either my money or more in a lawyers pocket so I took it. 10 years later, i've been stuck with 100 days breaks here at MS, 6 month breaks down at Intel, and assorted day-to-day garbage because of that suit. I'd rather have the earning power of those months and the stability to do things like buy a home than have the check I got then.
I'm not saying this is right. I'm saying everyone's just going about fixing it the wrong way.
Work slowdowns? That's asking to be fired for non-performance!
Day-Without-an-ADash? again, fired!
Unionization? Don't we already complain about how much the agencies get for nothing? You really want a union rep in there too taking a cut? Good luck!
Whoever above said that people should be protesting THEIR OWN AGENCIES had it right. We work AT MS, not FOR MS. Apparently the old suits didn't get that through to some people.
The Agencies should be protesting magically getting paid less. You all should be making your agencies lives miserable. Fifteen people outside MS doesn't mean anything when MS doesn't control the trickledown of the money they pay out.

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Posted by SuO at 3/3/09 11:17 a.m.
I happen to know contract agencies mark a percentage overhead for the hourly rate, and the last time I heard, the cheapest percentage was 24%. So if you make $50/hour, the cheapest agency is charging Microsoft $62/hr. If you are on the salaried option with a contract agency, they can bill you out at whatever they think they can get. I personally would never choose salaried. Oh, and that company charging the 24%, that is NO benefits, no nothing except cutting you a check every two weeks. If people want to be upset, I personally think they should be looking at their agencies more rather than just blaming Microsoft.
As for FTE pay, Microsoft does not pay as well as the rest of the industry, but they wholly make up for it with medical benefits. Someone said on one of these blog entries that the medical benefits should be taken away. I personally know of many of the high end folks who only stay at Microsoft and the lesser pay BECAUSE of the benefits. Microsoft would see quite a brain drain, imo, if they lost those bennies. Someone else asked if the execs are also taking the salary hits of no merit pay increases. I've heard conflicting things about this. Someone above says everyone is. I've heard that GM/PUM level 67s above are not, but it is total unconfirmed hearsay.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/3/09 1:51 p.m.
The contractors (disclosure: I am one) need to read their contracts more closely.
Both Microsoft and the agency retain the right to terminate the contract at will for any reason.
They may or may not offer a new contract at their sole discretion.
The agencies are terminating the current contract and offering a new one, both of which they have a perfect right to do. The protest is out of line and inappropriate. Emailing 2,000 contractors (including myself) is out of line and inappropriate. Claiming this is a violation of contract terms is simply untrue, as well as out of line and inappropriate.
Is job security effectively nonexistent in this industry? Yes. But that's not Microsoft's fault, and it's not the contract agencies' fault, and if it's anyone's fault at all... it's probably OURS. We chose to work under these terms. We could always have said "no" and held out for more job security, but we didn't.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/3/09 8:23 p.m.
I blame Microsoft, the agencies and myself. I'm a chicken with a large mortgage that now takes two paychecks to make. The right thing to do is leave now, but I don't want to ruin my perfect FICO score.
I will never again work for the agency that passed the reduction on to me. Neither should any of you. It is time to lay the cards on the table and stop protecting agencies and corporations. Create a free website and post hourly rates anonymously but include your title and years of relevant experience. Anyone with knowledge reveal what the agencies are charging on top of our rates. How much blue sky can we see today. Let's create a real market for our intellectual and creative power. We are not doing manual labor, many of us are creating valuable intellectual property. We are making the corporations rich by enabling them to harvest our innovations at absurdly low rates. Wikinomics feed the corporation not the innovator.
Lets turn wikinomics and globalization upside down. If a union does get started, it cannot be local, state or national but must be a global union of technology workers. International labor unions are the only counter measure to international corporations. Our union power should not be abused or else we'll evolve into the same unreasonable union as GM and Boeing. Our union should be organized like a wiki. Bureaucratic hierarchies and old value networks get corrupted easily.
WikITunion the way! End the hundred day!

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/3/09 8:55 p.m.
Agency worker: I did not assert there wasn't a contract - it just isn't with you. It is with your Agency with you as the named resource.
What MS is proposing in the rate cut is a termination of the existing contract and creation of a new contract at a lower rate. If you don't accept the rate cut, your agency will change the named resource and create a new contract without you.
You can fear-monger all you want on these boards, but the contract I signed is with me and my agency. Period. My contract is separate from any contract my agency signed with Microsoft. The two are separate and separately legally enforceable.
NO ONE is arguing the agency cannot terminate a contract.
The issue is that the Agency cannot just unilaterally change the terms of my contract without renegotiating and re-signing. That is called breach of contract and it's illegal.
Clearly working for an agency doesn't make a person an expert in contract law.

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Posted by SuO at 3/4/09 8:42 a.m.
To unregistered user post #267544 -
What 15%? I ask that not snarky btw. I believe FICA is about 7.5% between social security and medicare. Unemployment insurance is smaller, especially in high tech, and I believe tax deductible by the company.
In all fairness, I have never run a staffing agency, so I don't know all their overhead costs. However, it seems to me with some of them charging 30% or more on billing hours, that seems high to me.
The argument of contractor vs FTE is really all from the different peoples' perspective and greatly depends on which group and leadership you work for. Contractor overtime is limited when there are budget crunches. Both work OT and not. Both have lazy idiots and smart hard workers. As to the treatment of contractors with access to certain meetings and parties and now the break in work of 30-60 days, that is all the result of that nice little greedy lawsuit years ago where they wanted their high pay, OT pay, AND stock. So high tech companies had to make darn sure that contractors didn't get the wrong impression and think they were employees entitled to any FTE stuff. Before that, contractors were treated exactly as FTEs as far as inclusion in everything - I know, I was there.

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Posted by cowatson at 3/11/09 6:20 p.m.
If their pay is similar to the kid making $70k who started a protest and then stopped when he finally got a clue, I do not feel sorry for these people when they are terminated. I am pretty sure they can be replaced.

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Posted by StriderWA at 3/11/09 6:48 p.m.
I was laid off from my IT job in Jan. I'd gladly send my resume to their Volt contact and take one of those positions.

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Posted by cj in seattle at 3/11/09 7:52 p.m.
Ah so this is how you do it with out riding the lay off train. I don't know what they pay was but you should send them your resume if your interested. You might want to find out what your signing on for first though.

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Posted by TerryP at 3/11/09 8:08 p.m.
Correction to last post: Second sentence should be "what they paid" or "What your pay was."
Last sentence should be "...what you're signing on for first" and delete "though."
This demonstrates why newspapers have always used copy editors; a profession probably soon to disappear.
That all said, I applaud the courage of these people who are swimming against the proverbial tide. It makes me ashamed to admit I was the person who had said, in a raw attempt at humor, comparing Microsoft the Borg collective of Star Trek 2, that "resistance is futile" and encouraing contractors to just give up hope.
These people may lose their fight, but they show the continuing truth of what Robert Browning once said, to wit, "A man's reach must exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" (Hope all that was sans typos. My miserable excuse, if not, is it has been a long, tough day and dinner awaits.)

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Posted by jeffw66seattle at 3/11/09 8:16 p.m.
Requiring employees to sign an "amendment" to a previously agreed upon contract makes the original contract not worth the paper it was ever printed on.
By refusing to sign, these employees are making a simple statement - written agreements are supposed to MEAN something. Here's hoping that their firings allow them to collect full unemployment benefits - which result in an increase in the employment security taxes that employer must bear.

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Posted by voiceofreason1950 at 3/11/09 8:22 p.m.
jeffw, you make a good point about any subsequent firings if the contractors don't sign the amendment. This wouldn't be a "firing with cause" so it seems like the agency would have to pay up with unemployment. The downside for the contractor though is that they will never work in this town again. Agencies will tell you there is no "black list" but there is, oh yes there is.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 8:28 p.m.
I absolutely agree with jeffw66. These must be brave individuals who are unwilling to consent to the company simply taking advantage of their compromised job security and economic position to pressure them into accepting an unfair agreement.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 8:38 p.m.
"They just need more people to have a spine and join them."
And people say there is no place for unions any more these days....

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Posted by AlbertCamus at 3/11/09 9:15 p.m.
This is Microsoft exploiting its workers in a down market. Micorsoft itself continues to make money hand over fist and there is no reason to lay off anyone or cut anyone's wages except to improve the bottom line some more on the backs of its workers.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 9:26 p.m.
Good luck to them, although it is certainly futile in the long run. MSFT has lived fat and happy by taking on contractors instead of employees for a VERY long time. What *really* needs to happen is the staffing agencies all need to stand up and say "a deal is a deal". If the staffing companies refused to go along, MSFT would fianlly have to hire actual employees for those jobs, which truthfully is what should have been going on all along. Sorry, but I can't get all emotonally upset for MSFT -- they have done a lot of good for the area for sure, but they have also been given a TON of waivers and breaks along the way.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 9:27 p.m.
i wouldnt take a 10% cut. as was said already microsoft is still making plenty of money and this is the reason why you need union representation. groceries have gone up 10% so how can you give up that much of your earning power.
the big reshuffle is real estate. these mortgage companies already have an appraisal theyre willing to value your real estate at and theyre willing to loan even less. i didnt get a memo but i tried to take advantage of the refi, no dice but i dint find they already have an appraised value....so why did i have to hire an apprasier?
ya say you want a revolution well ya know, we're all doing what we can

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Posted by zardoz at 3/11/09 9:34 p.m.
I doubt most of these people are trying to make a point, nor do I think there is one to actually be made.
Microsoft is cutting wages. If their somebody don't like it, they're free to go elsewhere. If enough contractors left, I'm sure MS would reconsider their position, but I cringe at the thought of workers leaving due to a misguided sense of "solidarity" rather than evaluating their own personal situation and values and acting accordingly. It's this kind of group-think that has given unions such a lousy reputation.
Saying "Microsoft has plenty of money right now, they don't need to cut wages" is the kind of complacent thinking that's got GM and Chrysler on the brink of bankruptcy. To stay on top you've got to be a step ahead, and not simply do things out of necessity or desperation.
That's the beauty of the free market, each individual acting in their own self-interest. You don't have to debate what's right and what's wrong.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 10:02 p.m.
What these temps fail to understand is that their employment is at will. If they wish to longer work at the new wage they are not required to do so. However, MS/Volt are not required to retain them.
They might be great performers who are worthy of an exception. On the other hand, they might feel entitled to their pay even if their performance is only mediocre. None of us will really know. It will be interesting to see what happens to these 66 temps.

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Posted by ComplexNumbers at 3/11/09 10:07 p.m.
Cowards never like it when and individual decides not to take it anymore and refuse to join the ranks of the cowardly.
The Soviet Union was brought to its knees by the actions of a few shipyard workers in Gdansk poland when they decided they would rather die than to hand thier children another generation of bowing and scraping to the economic powers that controlled every facet of their lives. The same monsters that controlled the USSR are in control of the economy of the world. We used to call them party bosses now we call them corporate wizards.
If the same people that seem to think that taking lower and lower wages will satisy the monster then all I can say is "keep kissing the beasts a## maybe they will keep you as a pet".
As for me and my children I would rather they stood up for what is right and not be a coward.
May God Bless the 60 "Refusniks".
May God Damn to eternity the greedy b######s that put Americas working people in this situation.
"To stand with workers is the primary duty of government all else is treason"
Abraham Lincoln

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 10:22 p.m.
IMHO, this company Volt is trying to pass the blame on Microsoft. Many service companies provide services to other companies. These rates are going down. So Volt revenue is going down. It is upto Volt to decide how it eats the decrease in its revenue.
Microsoft and other tech companies, are also losing revenue just like Volt is. Whether these tech companies do layoffs, or reduce pays, or take other measures it is upto them. If Dell is buying fewer licenses or cheaper licenses from Microsoft, should the layed off Microsoft employees blame Dell? Microsoft-Volt is a company to company, relationship based on market prices subject to negotiation and renegotiation. Volt-"and its employees" is a firm-worker relationship, which is a touchy subject. Contracts get negotiated all over the world. Airlines and Car companies are two such examples. The same is Volt, which provides workers, sell services at market rates. Anybody could replace Volt, e.g., Volt employees if there is another company instead of Volt. Such companies have to renegotiate with their employees in tough times.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 10:28 p.m.
Karma is in the house! Volt is laying off a large number of internal staff, particularly those in management positions, who have done such a poor job of managing the company. They have been tossing money down the crapper for years, particularly in the Seattle area, and specifically in the non-tech sector. The pretty offices and brain dead senior managers are not looking so good these days. THey are merging their tech and non-tech divisions and are desperately trying to stop the bleeding.
You should know that no one has had a 100% mark up on tech staffing since Y2k scared the crap out of companies. Staffing companies make poo on their large staffing contracts. Microsoft probably had a 42% mark up and is now in the 30's. In the staffing world that is a money losing operation. They screw the non-contract companies on mark-ups to make up for the low rates on fancy companies like Microsoft.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/11/09 10:32 p.m.
"It is typical for agencies to bill Microsoft up to 100% more than they pay the workers"
Not sure where you have done a contract, or if you have EVER done a contract, but consider the fact that the rates MSFT paid in the first place to temp workers have always been below market, because of their volume. To even think a company like Volt (or any of the others) is marking up a rate by 100% to MSFT and pocketing the difference is assinine. For some reason, someone always wants to jump on that horse, yet cannot prove any of it as fact. I worked there as a temp, and know that most of the other temps I talked to all were making about the same as me, and I knew what I was being billed at. There was a difference of about 30% between my pay and the rate to MSFT. Volt has a business to run as well, and like any smart business, they are going to cut costs when forced to cut revenue, that's business 101 if you've ever learned that.
The person that posted about the United Autoworkers mentality has it right, if MSFT wants to cut rates becasue the market is allowing it, they can, and any good business would do that. They don't answer to any of you, they answer to their shareholders.
Get a grip people and move onto something more relevant. So you took a 10% cut off your 70K a year job, better than 500 a week in unemployment, huh? Microsoft isn't the ones that put us all into this mess.
And to call workers that accepted a pay cut cowardly is assinine...shows that you think they all should be sacrificing their and their familie's best interest for your dated ideals on democracy and how we are all so enslaved to "the man"...go back to your cult or compound and keep stocking up your granola for the coming revolution.

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Posted by KaninZ at 3/11/09 10:58 p.m.
Another argument for significant reform in hiring practices. It's time to try the DE-temping of America.
Temporary agencies are a good idea that has been misused to create a slave wage class of Americans who are fired, denied benefits, given reduced wages or hours at the whim of their contract agency and/or the business where they perform their work. All in the name of the bottom line.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 1:22 a.m.
When I temped years ago for law firms, I saw the billing. They paid me $8 an hr and Sarah Woods billed out at $13.50.
My wife negotiated between contracting companies at MS after her first 100 days off and when Volt tried to reclaim the contract (after she'd done the leg work - the agancy was a formality and had dome NOTHING to get her the job. She worked there years before as an FTE) they couldn't understand why she wouldn't continue to work for Volt at $4 less per hour and garbage for health benefits.
You can draw your own conclusion about their managment capabilities.
Microsoft has more contractors than FTEs - this is something corporate America has been doing for years. It makes their "core" set up look "lean" for investors.
MS has how many BILLIONS in cash reserves, but they need to pare down? That's NOTHING but taking advantage of market conditions to lower the cost of labor.

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Posted by zardoz at 3/12/09 2:36 a.m.
That's NOTHING but taking advantage of market conditions to lower the cost of labor.
So what are they supposed to do, IGNORE market conditions? I don't think that would be a particularly savvy business strategy.
I've got a friend contracting at MS who had to take the pay cut, which dropped him to $32/hour. It's not like we're talking about minimum wage earners with no other options here. These are skilled, educated people that are capable of finding other jobs if MS pushes them too far.
But it's absurd to expect MS (or any business) to stand pat when the market has dramatically shifted. That's exactly the kind of complacency that's gotten the US automakers into so much trouble -- they spent far too many years with a work force that was overstaffed and overpaid. Only now, with no cash in the bank, are they finally making the drastic, painful cuts that should've been made years ago when they still had money.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 4:05 a.m.
ComplexNumbers writes-
If the same people that seem to think that taking lower and lower wages will satisy the monster then all I can say is "keep kissing the beasts a## maybe they will keep you as a pet".
Sending out a "you go guys" to the 66 Voltians. This is going to hurt many (but not all) of you financially in the short run, so I hope you've thought it through and are ready and willing to deal with that. In a way, though, you've already gained. You have a story to tell your grandkids about how you had a well-paying job as a temp at Microsoft, but walked away on principle when they used your temp status to require you to take a pay cut (possibly adding, "I ate ramen for the next 7 months, and was glad to do it, because sometimes sacrifices are necessary when taking a tough stand"). And unlike thousands of others who clicked Agree, you don't yet know your "price" (ie, the one for which your principles can be bought) other than "it's somewhere above what they offered."
If any of you are going to go it on your own, you have a great story to tell clients about how seriously you take signed contracts and don't believe in taking advantage of the other party by exploiting technicalities in the letter--as opposed to the spirit--of those agreements.
Signed, one of the probably 5 people recently laid off from Microsoft who did not sign the severance agreement they offered, also on principle. From what I've heard on the street, most people's "deals" more closely matched what they were giving up in career opportunity and as yet unvested stock than mine did, due to the formula used to compute the numbers. I didn't feel right about taking the crumbs dropped from the table after giving the company the best N years of work in my life, even if crumbs was the best I could hope for in an at-will situation.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 5:23 a.m.
Corporate America believes slavery is the best business model, and that's what they really want. They already have slavery in workplaces in China, where they've outsourced millions of American jobs.
God bless those 66 workers for having the self-respect to stand up for their rights, and not just cave in to being treated like slaves by Microsoft and Volt.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 5:35 a.m.
I worked for Volt (briefly, thank goodness) between real jobs years ago. I thought they demeaned people and treated them disrespectfully, probably to psych them into believing they weren't deserving of decent pay rates. The job assignments were pretty crappy too.
There actually are some reasonably good temp agencies out there, who treat people right and try to get them good job assignments with fair pay. They're worth looking for; I've had good luck with Adecco.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 6:29 a.m.
A contract is a contract. If MS will not live up to what they agreed to they should be sued. When the contract is up that is the time to negogiate a new rate. MS is famous for skirting the laws and for treating its temp employees as dirt. There have been several lawsuits in the past that MS lost. I suspect these employees refusing to work for less then their contract says already know where to find another job or do not care.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 6:36 a.m.
I'd take the 10% cut and be 20% less productive! I'm sure this pay cut is going to cost Microsoft in the long run one way or another. I wonder who is the brilliant manager who forgot to think of lower employee morale and productivity, bad publicity, lawsuits etc? Will she be running for Congress?

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 7:46 a.m.
I'm not participating in the recession. A contract is a contract. They can take the chance of being downsized (there's a word for you) and that is their right. It's time we stopped feeling sorry for them. We are adults not kids. Take responsibility for what you do and let the other person figure it out if they can. Remember that 90% of the workforce is still out there working. Stop listening to the news people.

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Posted by MinusTwenty at 3/12/09 8:03 a.m.
And just you wait until the next news report informing us that "Microsoft, claiming a shortage of skilled labor, again lobbied Congress for an increase in the annual quota of allotted H1-B work visas it is given"
This is all about class warfare. Microsoft is just trying to attack its workers wages. Even in a recession - where are the executive pay cuts? Has there been a SINGLE executive pay cut at Microsoft? NO. But they feel free to try to re-write contracts mid-stream.
What a terrible company!

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 8:08 a.m.
My daughter, a contract worker at Microsoft is now making less than $15.00 per hour with the 10% cut. No insurance either. Can you live on that? Has the leadership of Microsoft modeled the practice of pay-cuts?

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 8:12 a.m.
Volt takes a HUGE cut off the top of the contractor's pay and pays well under what other companies will. My company refuses to use Volt for this reason. Contractors have little negotiation or power when they apply for positions through Volt. You can only work at Microsoft for one year as a contractor then you have to leave and wait ninety days before you can return. You can apply for unemployment during the ninety day break.

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Posted by KevinMc at 3/12/09 8:15 a.m.
I think we're really dancing around the issues here (though some of us are making excellent points). Over the years, labor law has eroded to the point that workers have very few rights. Government officials are benefiting from corporations when as they (gov. officials) continue to erode and allow the erosion of workers rights. In the end, we went through the whole Perma-Temp thing with MS over 10 years ago. Now, we have contracts that MS negotiated with VOLT and other agencies and thus with employees. A contract is a contract - it is a legal promise with obligations on BOTH sides. It is wrong for MS to forcibly renegotiate those arrangements. This would not be allowed if labor law once again had teeth. Additionally, MS is NOT hurting for cash. They are NOT asking all of the FTEs to take pay cuts, why the contractors. Contractors beware, do you want to be a slave of MS for the rest of your days? Stand up for what SHOULD be your rights!!

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Posted by HDLife at 3/12/09 8:25 a.m.
MSFT contracts with the Temp Agency. The Temp agency contracts with the individual. As I understand it, both contracts contain clauses that allow for any changes to be attached at any time by MSFT or by the Temp Agency. But not for the individual.
The contract gives a legal out for both the major players to do as they please. It is a contract that is either agreed to by the individual or else no position, so the individual cannot say anything about it. But I feel that such a clause could be contested and possibly removed. Owing to the fact that it is a one way clause that puts the individual at risk for anything that either major players would want to do.
If you look at those credit card "fine prints" in pastel almost unreadable 'contracts', it is worded differently, but the same result. They can make any changes in your contract that they choose to make, and they do, and you do not have any say in the matter at all.
Face it, we, the "individual" are at risk to those major players on every field. Those who say, "be glad that you still have a job and shut up", well all I can say is that at some point you simply must choose not to "shut up", and take a stand. Sure it may cost you your position, and it is something that these '66' do have to consider for each on their own. All those temps have to, and some weighed in by simply accepting based upon their individual needs. I can support both those sides, but those who would sit on the outside and tell the ones taking a stand to shut up.
I don't know what their salaries are. Some here have said as much as $70/hr. and others about $30/hr. But it doesn't matter what range the temps salaries are in, what matters is that the contract puts them in a bad position no matter what. Today it's demanded a 10% cut, next month, two months, whatever, it could be another 10% cut or maybe more...where does the line get drawn?
I have worked temp, and I know that the agencies are screwed up...mostly. That if you give them any lip, they either drop you entirely or else push you way down on their list to contact for openings. But it is also a fact that most employers are now going through these temp agencies to hire. That way the contracting employer does not have to concern themselves with providing anything but employment with not having to provide any benefits. They get the work done on the cheap increasing their profits, but little to no deductibles. Are there good temp agencies out there? Yeah, but even some of the good ones have people in charge who should be in charge of anything except to clean toilets.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 8:28 a.m.
I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but it appears that most of the people who are responding really have no clue about working as a contractor.
In general the money is good, but in general most of us have no benefits (no health care unless we pay for it, no paid sick leave, no paid holidays and no paid vacation). For most employees this means that your employer is paying you for at least 240 hours each year that you didn't actually work. Most contractors forgo vacation, NEVER get sick, and are NOT allowed to work on holidays.
In addition to that, MS contractors (at least the a-) are required to leave MS for a minimum of 100 days after working for 1 year. Most of you should be able to figure out that $35 per hour isn't nearly as high as you think it is.
Many of the people who refused to sign were likely nearing the end of their contract and didn't like being forced to take a contract change. They are starting their 100 days off a few weeks early.
Many contract companies (including Volt) do very little for their employees (contractors) after a job starts. If you are lucky, you will hear from a rep every three months. Their primary expense is the sales people who work with us to locate a position. They are in business to make money but with only a 30-35% markup, how are they to survive (did I really say that).
In this case($35) cut the contractor rate by $3.50 while Volt's cut is approximately $1.20.
{End of Ranting}

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 8:39 a.m.
I have chuckled and cringed at the lack of understanding of contract knowledge of those posting these comments. This is not a renegotiation process, this is a contract termination and new negotiation at a lower rate. They may process through an amendment (quicker and easier) but the truth is - MS is terminating all contracts with their Temp Agencies and re-instituting new contracts at lower rates.
All of these contracts have termination clauses and the temp agencies and MS are exercising them. As for those out their that are throwing the blame at MS - focus people. MS is cutting costs by reducing rates with their Temp Agencies - not with their Temp Workers. The Temp Agencies are reducing rates with the workers. If you want to get angry - get angry at Volt and others.
MS may have billions. It is their billions and it is their job to spend it wisely so shareholders - like many of you and myself - continue to see market gains. (For those of you saying you don't own an MS stock, you might want to look at the Mutual Funds you own as the majority out their own MS stock.
These 66 people may be making a stand and they should get used to it. As they will be standing in the unemployment line for quite a while.

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Posted by proudtobealiberal at 3/12/09 8:53 a.m.
No sympathy from me - - they can just move back to Mum-Bay or Bangalore or wherever they call home.
The H1B program is just a small part of what has wrecked this country's economy. Big businesses say they're for capitalism and free enterprise and competition, but they begin to act like monopolists and kleptocrats first chance they get.
Always been that way, always will.
I don't recall reading anywhere that Bill and/or Steve have had their pay cut by 10 percent, or 1 percent, or anything at all. They're probably on the receiving end of huge bonuses for "cutting costs" by short-changing their perma-temps.
Business as usual in the land of Unregulated Laissez Faire Capitalism.

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Posted by Ocerith at 3/12/09 9:00 a.m.
"You should know that no one has had a 100% mark up on tech staffing since Y2k scared the crap out of companies."
"To even think a company like Volt (or any of the others) is marking up a rate by 100% to MSFT and pocketing the difference is assinine."
Actually, to think that any contracting company DOESN'T markup AT LEAST 100% is asinine. Despite your ridicule of one poster, you clearly haven't worked a contract job yourself, or are completely blind to the realities of contract work.
Trust me, I know exactly what the hourly rate the contractor gets compared to the bill rate is across tech companies. The margins vary individually but they are all staggering. Think 150% - 200% markup range. That's right, if you're making $50 an hour, your agency is billing $150 an hour. People think "contractors are cheap," but they're not. There's another reason why contract labor is considered cheap in a quarterly numbers mentality. It's a different bucket of money and it comes off the books when you need it to. The actual bill rates, meanwhile, can exceed the bill rate of a permanent employee.
These are just the plain, simple facts from an outside observer with no interest in either party.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 9:19 a.m.
that stupid CEO is running the business into the ground - he has no vision and has done nothing useful since taking over - if it was any other company, it would have been game over for him long ago.

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Posted by Nebula36 at 3/12/09 9:30 a.m.
I'm not a big fan of unions, in fact I think it's ridiculous what some union workers in Detroit are being paid.
However, it's perplexing to me that many temp jobs that I worked at in the mid-1990's are still being offered at the same or lower pay rates. The temp agencies seem to be exploiting the workers even more than the large employers.
These guys getting $35 per hour aren't starving, but the principle of being jerked around by your temp agency that bugs me. Especially when companies like Microsoft are so dependent on them.
Temp agencies deserve nothing.
I also think it's bizarre that so many retail and food service jobs still pay so little. Things have barely changed in almost 20 years, yet rental, food, and gas costs have increased quite a bit. It's almost impossible to work at one (or two) of those jobs and go to school to improve your opportunities at the same time.
THOSE are the people who need to unionize and agitate for better wages.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 9:36 a.m.
What others don't seem to understand that a Contract is a written agreement agreed to by all parties. The wages should stay the same until the contract term is up. I would not only disagree to take the pay cut, I would sue the temp agency (whoever they are)for breach of contract, then sue for damages. When the worker signed up for the position based on pay and length of assignment it was a written agreement. Let's not let Corporate America break the rules ! Stand up and fight ! (if there is language in the contract for a pay cut then you signed the wrong piece of paper). I am not litigious I just believe in fairness to the little guy. Microsoft has how many billions in cash ?

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 9:57 a.m.
The Volt Contract also says that either side can terminate the employment at will, for any reason. refusing to sign the addendum is their choice, but Volt would be with in their rights per the contract to terminate the contract. If you are working at MS and signed that contract, then you should be aware of that. At least that is what MY contract said.
That doesn't make it morally right for Volt to do that, but they are legally able to.

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Posted by TricycleDriver at 3/12/09 10:13 a.m.
there's something funny about this article...(I've been a v- and a-)
The wage contract is not between Microsoft and the worker. Any contract agreed between Microsoft and Volt have been made. It's between Volt and the Worker to negotiate what they're going to get. I use to make $70000 for a 1-year-only term, Microsoft paid 100,000 Volt ( I got buddy-buddy with the manager and he told me.)
I don't love Microsoft, but most of the Microsoft basher who have posted are ill-informed. billG has retired. Microsft should not have even been mentioned in this article.

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Posted by XXXmsft at 3/12/09 10:20 a.m.
I guess not everybody can be a math major, English major, or heck, even graduate from college. But reading some of the responses here is like listening to "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits. I contracted for 3 years at Microsoft before and after working ten plus years as a full time Microsoft full time employee. I work now outside of Microsoft and can walk to the main campus from my present employer. That's as close as I need to get. Take a look at the $35 an hour contract rate. For Microsoft contractors that is for 52 weeks of employment followed by about 15 weeks of unemployment (100 day break). So that 70,000 + a year (52 weeks/ 2080 work hours at 35 an hour) really works out to an average of $26 an hour for 67 weeks. Sure, you can collect a fraction of your salary through unemployment insurance for that 100 days, which will be eaten up by your COBRA payments to extend your medical insurance at full cost. The agencies count on that, because they are worthless when it comes to finding employment for that 100 days. Your current MSFT agency doesn't want to jeopardize having you available for MSFT asap after your 100 day break. Outside of MSFT, other agencies and other companies do not want to hire you for less than 90 days because they know you'll bolt for MSFT as soon as you are available again.
In the Silicon Valley, contractors have more choices and competition for their services, so no company down there can control the prevailing contracting rates like Microsoft does up there.
Contract workers at Microsoft have little choice but to take what is offered. Many contractors would love to work full time at Microsoft, even with the lower salary they'd receive, because of the benefits. The medical insurance offered by Volt and other agencies does not begin to compare with the cost to the employee and the services covered that Microsoft and other employers offer their full time employees. My family's medical bills just since January would have eaten up half a year's wages if I was still contracting.
For those who keep harking about contracts being a ironclad agreement. This is an employment at will state. Either side can terminate the agreement at any time. A contract simply means that you and the agency have an agreement about the expected length and pay of the contract. It is not a guarantee that you will work the full term of the contract. It is also not a guarantee that you will receive that rate for the term of the contract. It is unfortunately designed for the benefit of the agency and client, not the contracting employee.
Last, but not least, it is probably better for all of us that more people are employed, albeit with a reduction in pay, than have more people unemployed for the benefit of maintaining a full salary for the people still employed. For most contract workers, there is no side work or contract work available---we're in a downward spiral, remember? If Microsoft is "making money hand over fist" and they are taking measures, you think the companies that are losing money right now are going to be hiring? They'll be more severe than Microsoft. Give Microsoft some credit; they could have just said we'll eliminate 10% of their contracting work force. They did outright eliminate several thousand full time positions. Those employees do receive generous severance packages. A laid off contractor worker gets none. Your job is done. Today. Get your stuff together, give us your badge, and we'll escort you to the door.

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Posted by unregistered user at 3/12/09 10:21 a.m.
I'm not too well-versed in how this contract game plays out but why do the workers have to take the 10 percent pay cut? Couldn't the agency suck that up? It seems to me as though what the tech workers are offering is more important than some recruiter sitting on their fat lazy butt all day matching resumes with the job opening. I don't have much respect for these agencies nor do I care for the vultures who make these hiring decisions.

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Posted by XXXmsft at 3/12/09 10:45 a.m.
The 10% cut is what Microsoft has asked of the agencies on their total billing. I really don't know exactly what the agency bills in comparison to what they pay the contract workers. But say Volt bills $70 an hour for a tester, and then in turn pays that tester $35 an hour. If Volt has to cut their billings by 10%, that means they now bill MSFT $63 an hour and the tester gets $31.50 an hour. Microsoft scrutinizes their vendor's very well, and expect them to provide the most for the least. Whatever margin MSFT allows Volt in this, nobody at Volt is making truckloads of money. Volt is not passing their entire 10% reduction on to the contract workers. If they did, the actual reduction in pay for the contract workers would be more like 20%. There's a lot of competition between contract agencies to fill the job reqs that MSFT puts out, so no agency can afford to price themselves out of the market with a billng rate that is higher than their competitor's.

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Posted by vicious_cycle_00 at 3/12/09 11:16 a.m.
WOW - where to start...
First, some people seem to think that 'a contract is a contract' - which for temp worker is true, EXCEPT the fact that from my personal experience in contract work (5 years), in every contract I've ever signed, it is WRITTEN IN THE CONTRACT THAT THE COMPANY BEING WORKED FOR OR THE TEMP AGENCY CAN TERMINATE THE CONTRACT AT ANY TIME - no reason required. It seems that that is what MS is doing - terminating all the contracts, and giving the terminated employee an option to resign a new contract at a lower wage. Those that refuse to sign, well, that is their personal choice. But their original contract would be void, so they essentially would lose their job. I don't think taking this issue to court would go very far just from the fact that this 'out' clause is just as legally binding as the rest of the language on the contract. I know Volt has this clause in their contracts - so does Techlink NW - so does Proactive Staffing - and on and on.
Second, i think that it is commendable that MS is trying to cut costs by reducing WAGES instead of STAFF. Do you think those laid off in the auto industry had the option of taking less pay? How about the millions of other people who have lost their jobs in the last 6 months? Do you think any of those companies offered reduced pay instead of termination? Ask some recently laid off people, and I bet that 2 out of 3 would have rather taken a 10% cut than being laid off. I commend the ones trying to fight this fight - but as someone else posted, you need to pick your battles wisely, and this is a battle that they will probable lose.

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Posted by Wangster at 3/12/09 11:17 a.m.
Volt needs to honor its contracts.
btw, with unemployment, the only "causes" that can disqualify you is misconduct such as violence or threats, with burden of proof on the employer. Incompetance gets you unemployment benefits, as well as dismisal for policy breaches, even telling your boss to "go to hell, of f___ off" as long a no threats of violence are made.
Now I have an estimated 9 month take home pay in assets, most of that cash, and now with extended benefits a person can work part time enough to stretch their unemployment out for 2 full years. I could weather out a long storm.
A contact worker can easily get a few letters of recommendation from Microsoft colleagues and move on. I have always written letters of recommendation for good working colleagues who were laid off. Microsoft and Volt are just seeing who will blink and fold their cards, and its always people who have poorly mismanaged their own money. If over half the people refuse to sign the amendments, it will probably cost both companies much more money to replace the people lost or to make up for what they lose than they would have saved.
And last of all, computer professional are probably the most likely people to still be able to get jobs today, even with all of the layoffs. It would be interesting to see how many of these contract workers can get new jobs lined up before any supposed deadlines to sign the amendment. Hell, that would be the best of both worlds, have a job lined up to start in a month, and get laid off and collect unemployment for a month and take a "paid break".

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Barking at the Moon

Barking at the Moon - from Bolt (2008) Composed by John Powell, Performed by Jenny Lewis I have got so much to give I swear I do I may not have nine lives But this one feels brand new Yes, I've lived a good one I've tried to be true There are some things I never realised Till I met you How the wind feels on my cheeks When I'm barking at the moon There is no home like the one you've got 'Cause that home belongs to you Woo, hoo, here I come Woo, hoo, back to you There is no home like the one you've got 'Cause that home belongs to you Well, I was in trouble bad I was so confused I may not see in color, babe But I sure can feel blue I have been a lot of things They may not all be true My experience was so mysterious Till I met you Now the sun will rise in the east But I'm barking at the moon There is no home like the one you've got 'Cause that home belongs to you Woo, hoo, here I come Woo, hoo, back to you There is no home like the one you've got 'Cause that home belongs to you There is no home like the one you've got 'Cause that home belongs to you

视频：土豆网, 优酷网; 电影原声下载 翻唱：中文歌词 (纱糸轩)

中文歌词：暂译《对月当歌》

Plum Blossom

慕容萱：情书致奥巴马

情书致奥巴马

词曲：刘蜀秋；演唱：慕容萱 親愛的奧巴馬，Dear奧巴馬，看到這裡你是否有點驚訝？ 我們兩從未謀面我沒冒昧吧，對我來說你的官實在是太大。 第一位黑人總統你很牛叉，翻譯成英文是Great對吧？ 這世界有太多風吹雨打，奧巴馬，美國總統的責任重大。 黑人兄弟當選就是一段佳話，黑人兄弟上任了就好好幹吧。 千萬別學尼克松竊聽講話，也別像克林頓拉鏈隨便拉。 金融危機你到底有沒有辦法，你會如何對待伊朗敘利亞。 沒事別惹事有事別害怕，大不了四年後回家抱娃娃。 有事沒事給太太打個電話，就算你的搭檔貌美如花。 收禮只收腦白金你知道嗎，拜見岳父岳母時買幾盒吧。 我有個網友在你的國家，來自你的故鄉非洲肯亞。 他非法滯留了三年多啦，能不能幫個忙給他張綠卡。 有個美國老太太我忘了叫啥，忽悠我們買房還好她挂了。 比爾蓋茨聽說你管不了他，黑我的屏難道他不想混了。 賴昌星還沒回來賴在加拿大，你快給他們總理打個電話。 順便幫張藝謀拿個奧斯卡，這些年他真挺不容易啊。 這首歌希望你能喜歡它，想聯繫我請記下QQ號碼。 1234567888，驗證資訊請回答股票快漲吧。

US Airways

　　在《加勒比游记》的最后一章，曾详尽地讲述了离开波多黎各时逃离机场到费城的十几个小时的经历。当时特别揶揄了一家航空公司的风格。回来后又听许多人把这家公司评为全美最差，着实有些后怕。连最近搜寻今年度假的航班都有意地想避开这个霉头。没想到才一个月，又出了大事。特摘录了新闻和网上对其评论如下。

　　美国全美航空公司(US Airways)的一架客机于纽约当地时间十五日下午三点二十六分起飞不久后，因故障迫降坠入纽约曼哈顿附近的哈德逊河中。
　　这架型号为空中巴士A320的出事客机上的乘客和机组人员共一百五十五人，包括两名机师和三名乘务人员。据CNN引述美国航管署最新的报道称，机上人员已全部获救，没有乘客受重伤。
　　据美国航管署的发言人称，这架出事客机可能在空中撞上了一只或者一群飞鸟后，导致飞机引擎失灵。
　　据悉，该客机的机师在飞机起飞不久后则向地面控制中心紧急报告，要求迫降，但在客机试图返回机场时坠入河中。一名目击飞机坠河的附近大楼的工作人员告诉媒体称，飞机坠河时以小角度擦着河面入水，并溅起了大量的水花。

　　当天纽约地区上午大面积降雪，平均气温也低至零下六摄氏度左右，这给水面营救工作带来了困难。事故发生后,多艘船只在出事水域附近展开营救工作，身穿黄色救生衣的机上乘客被分批从浮在水面的飞机上救出，并通过船只转移到岸上，一些乘客被立即送往当地医院。
　　从尼泊尔来纽约旅游、二十七岁的Srishti Moktan在哈德逊河的游船上，眼睁睁看着飞机坠入水面。“从很远的地方，飞机就发出巨大的声响。我们都觉得不对劲，但没等反应过来，飞机就摔在了我们不远处的水面上。”
　　来自挪威、坐在飞机第二十五排的Jeff Kolodjay从失事飞机上救出后，被送上救生艇。幸运的是，虽然飞机已经几乎完全沉入水中，但Jeff及时跳上了救生船，甚至连鞋子都没有湿。“我们从紧急出口爬上了机翼，站成一排，然后被送上了救生艇。飞机与水面接触时，发出了巨大的声响。”Jeff说，“如果问我心情，我现在很开心，我真的太高兴能够毫发无伤的在这里。”一位成功脱险的男性乘客上岸后接受媒体采访时表示，飞机坠河后，乘客们都十分镇静，并让妇幼先行,迅速地从机舱内撤离。
　　当天这架航班号为一五四九的客机下午三点多从纽约拉瓜迪亚机场起飞，目的地为北卡州的夏洛夏洛特市。

附：点击下面的链接查看关于全美航空公司的评论：US Airway Reviews

Pre-Birthday

　　　　五律 • 腊九贺辰

　　生来秀水瞳，赠与妩姿丰。
　　辰岁同星璨，诗情似爱浓。
　　大方惟谨慎，周密亦从容。
　　寿福如双至，琳琅玉色重。

BBS Messages

短信集锦──俏皮废话

★、一个郁闷的人，在郁闷的时间、郁闷的地点，干郁闷的事情！
★、一分钟有多长？这要看你是蹲在厕所里面，还是等在厕所外面……
★、一山不能容二虎，除非一公和一母。
★、一岁出场亮相，十岁天天向上，二十岁远大理想，三十岁基本定向，四十岁处处吃香，五十岁发奋图强，六十岁告老还乡，七十岁打打麻将，八十岁晒晒太阳，九十岁躺在床上，一百岁挂在墙上。
★、一帆风顺，二龙腾飞，三羊开泰，四季平安，五福临门，六六大顺，七星高照，八方来财，九九同心，十全十美。
★、一把野火烧赤壁，十面埋伏困霸王。
★、一朝世上美名留，语不惊人死不休。
★、一段刻骨铭心一见钟情师生忘年黄昏婚外同性恋！
★、一直希望你是我的人……今天发现，你是党的人……
★、一般的男人想问题都是用下半身去思考的，而我不同。我想问题都是用上半身去思考的，虽然我想的都是下半身的问题……
★、一见钟情，再而衰，三而竭。
★、一觉醒来，天都黑了。
★、三分天注定，七分靠打扮。
★、三大信息传播媒介：广播电视，互联网，女人！
★、上帝给我大脑──于是我思考；上帝给我双脚──于是我奔跑；上帝给我十指──于是我上网。经过思考，我奔跑着来上网……
★、上晓天文，下晓地理，中小儿科，知阴阳，懂八卦，运筹于帷幄之中，决策于千里之下。
★、上班无聊吗？抛硬币玩吧，正面就上网，反面就睡觉，竖起就工作，倾斜就努力工作，摔粉碎了就申请加班，如果摔出两枚，那就天天摔！
★、上联：我爱的人名花有主；下联：爱我的人惨不忍睹；横批：命苦。
★、上课一排全睡，反恐如痴如醉，传奇不知疲惫，短信发到欠费，抽烟搓麻全会，白酒两瓶不醉，逃课成群结队，大学生活万岁！
★、下雨不冷化雨（话语）冷！
★、不吃白不吃，白吃谁不吃。吃了变白痴。不痴不白吃。白痴不白吃，再吃才白痴！
★、不在课堂上沉睡，就在酒桌上埋醉。
★、不怕虎一样的敌人，就怕猪一样的队友！
★、不怕被人利用，就怕你没用。
★、不怕饿就怕馋，不怕懒就怕笨，不怕遇见事，就怕没事找事。
★、不想当厨子的裁缝，不是好司机。
★、不是你不笑，一笑粉就掉！
★、不是我不明白，是世界变化快。
★、不是我不爱你，而是我根本就不认识你！
★、不是我们的世界太复杂，是你不愿意长大；长大并不可怕，世界依然有鲜花。
★、不知不觉时间已匆匆，人生往往活在后悔中。
★、不蒸馒头争口气行吗？
★、不要和地球人一般见识……
★、不要和我比懶，我懶得和你比。
★、不要和我狂，我大哥秦始皇。不要和我装，我后台党中央。不信你不服，拉登是我叔。先轰炸，再下毒，老美都得服！
★、不要在一棵树上吊死，在附近几棵树上多试几次……死就死得彻底！
★、不要炫耀自己认识美女很多，很多美女认识你才值得炫耀；认识我的美女多了去了，我吹过幺？
★、不要看我瘦，我浑身是肌肉；不要看我黑，我满脸放光辉。不要看我穷，骗吃骗喝生来这么怂。
★、不靠洗澡靠长跑，不靠祈祷靠思考。
★、不高也不帅，老大没人爱，房子还没盖，车子也想买；对你只有爱，外加空钱袋，如果嫁给我，唯有爱似海！
★、与有趣人，做无耻事。
★、丑女一回头，吓死一头牛；丑女二回头，黄河瀑布水倒流；丑女三回头，泰森改打乒乓球！
★、东边日出西边雨，导师无情我有情。
★、东风吹、战鼓擂、美人醉、盼君回、捷报飞、壮士归。
★、为了更好的离婚，我们结婚吧！
★、为什么天这么黑，因为牛在天上飞，为什么牛在天上飞，因为你在地上吹。
★、为兄弟两肋插刀，为美女插兄弟两刀。兄弟如手足，美女如衣服，谁穿我衣服我砍他手足；美女如衣服，兄弟如手足，谁动我手足我穿他衣服！！！
★、为配合今年中国计划生育工作的胜利完成，本人决定暂时不和异性朋友接触，谢谢合作。
★、举头望明月，低头思姑娘。
★、也许似乎大概是，然而未必不见得。
★、五百年前，我是你家的长工，那天在窗边偷看你绣花的姿势时，就喜欢上你。你可别怪我当时没有告诉你！因为那时没有短信息！
★、人不猥琐枉少年！
★、人人慰我，我慰人人。
★、人家戏说我戏考，人家抓狂我恶搞。
★、人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
★、人怕出名猪怕壮，男怕没钱女怕胖。
★、人活着真累！上车得排队，单恋真受罪，吃饭没香味，喝酒容易醉，上班特疲惫，抢劫还不会，挣钱得交税，就连给小猪发个短信还得收费……
★、人生至古谁无屎，有谁大便不用纸？若君不用卫生纸，莫非你是用手指！
★、人类社会发展有很多问题，但归根到底只有三个：长相问题、纯洁问题和人品问题。任何不解的事情，包括《十万个为什么》里面找不到答案的，都可以在这三大问题中找到答案。
★、人贱人爱，花贱花开，车贱车爆胎！
★、什么是骄傲？牛呗！什么是谦虚？装呗！什么是勤俭？抠呗！什么是奉献？傻呗！什么是聪明？吹呗！什么是博学？侃呗！什么是幽默？贫呗！什么是帅哥？拽呗！什么是美女？你呗！
★、今天心情不好。我只有四句话想说。包括这句和前面的两句，我的话说完了。
★、从前，有个小孩说，打死我也不睡觉。然后他被打死了。
★、从小缺钙，长大缺爱，身披麻带，头顶锅盖，下穿内裤系腰带，光着上身打领带。
★、他人求药千方剂，恶疾临头难自医，悬壶济世万般好，妙手回春命终离，四海为家驻此路，九州云游老无依，他日若遂凌云去，不过是，闹事街边换幌旗——《郎中叹》。
★、他说：“你会找到一个比我更好的人。”我微笑说：“但我不会再对人这么好了。”
★、以前为了失恋而吸烟，现在为了吸烟而失恋。
★、以后不要在我面前说英文，OK？
★、以短消息消磨时间称为信生活，边发边收为信交往，狂发狂收为信高潮，只收不发为信冷淡，发错对象是信骚扰，收发不成功是信功能障碍！
★、众生相，像众生。狗通人性，猫通神性！
★、众里寻她千百度，蓦然回首，那人依旧、对我不屑一顾。
★、低头要有勇气，抬头要有底气。
★、佛曰，色即是空，空即是色。今晚，偶想空一下……:)
★、佛曰：前世的500次回眸才换来今生的一次擦肩而过。我宁愿用来世的一次擦肩而过来换得今生的500次回眸。
★、佛曰：武功再高，也怕菜刀；穿的再刁，一砖撂倒。
★、作为一名烟客，必须具备三个条件：烟、打火机、及抽烟时露出的那种无耻神韵！
★、你不能否认AV是种文化，就像你不能否认“鸡”是一种职业。
★、你不过是仗着我喜欢你，抢我的铅笔和橡皮。
★、你以为我会眼睁睁地看着你去送死吗？我会闭上眼睛的！
★、你以为最酸的感觉是吃醋吗？不是，最酸的感觉是没权吃醋。
★、你们以后再这样，就别怪我翻脸不是人了！
★、你会爱我多久？直到你不再爱我……
★、你快回来，一人饭做不来。你快回来，饭桌因你而精彩。你快回来，别让我胃空如大海！你快回来，我一人忽悠不来！
★、你我皆烦人，剩在人世间。
★、你拿了我的定海神针，海底失去平衡，害得我们只能移民上岸边。
★、你攒够四块五，我也攒够四块五，我们就可以去民政局结婚了。
★、你放心，看到你我连食欲都没了，还谈什么性欲！
★、你是不信上帝！架不住上帝信你行了吧！
★、你是前世一盏灯，照亮我的后半生。今夜星光灿烂，你在哪里烂漫；没事可别乱跑，也别到处放电；我知你已成年，爱慕之心难免；但以你的条件，不能那么随便；你是纯种狼犬，别和笨狗相恋。如有良心发现，给我手机回电！
★、你的手机比话费还便宜。
★、你的眼睛眨一下，我就死去，你的眼睛再眨一下，我就活过来，你的眼睛不停地眨来眨去，于是我便死去活来！
★、你的脸比陈世美还美，你的眼比诸葛亮还亮；我的爱比鲁智深还深，我的情比关云长还长；但我的诺言比孙悟空还空。
★、你给了我两个选择，却是一个结局。给过我承诺的人，最终却也只留给我一个灿烂的表情，而非灿烂的一生。
★、你给我买十条烟总比我去一次夜总会划算吧。
★、你要是嫁人就先嫁给别人然後再嫁给我，带著他的存款领著他的妹妹，开著那宝马来。
★、你要是这时候不受点伤，这辈子都过不了感情的坎。
★、你让我滚，我滚了。你又让我回来，对不起，滚远了……
★、你让我滚，然后又让我回来。对不起，滚远了……
★、你说我酷吗？从正面看，你可能不接受；从侧面看，你可能认同；从半侧看，你可能最为欣赏！
★、你还是让我跪搓板吧，跪电暖气实在受不了啊！
★、你饿了么？──我是面包！你冷了么？──我是蒙古包！你生气了么？──我是沙包！
★、俏也不思春，只把春来叫！
★、假如计算机每重启一次，比尔盖茨都可以得到一元钱，那么他可要发了。
★、做一个徘徊在牛A和牛C之间的人。
★、做人要做朱容基，娶妻当娶徐静蕾！
★、做女人“挺”好，做男人“挺”累！做爱做的事，交配交的人！
★、傻与不傻，要看你会不会装傻。
★、兄弟如手足，女人如衣服。谁动我手足，我扒他衣服！
★、光说不练假把势、真材实料真功夫。
★、克林顿睡觉是国税。乞丐睡觉是地税。和老婆睡觉依法纳税。和情人睡觉是偷税漏税。和小姨子睡觉增值税。
★、党同伐异者甚多，求同存异者盖寡。
★、全民健身日啊！怪不得这么多入洞房的……
★、全球七匹狼：色狼克林顿，猛狼科尔，野狼萨达姆，饿狼普京，恶狼沙龙，家狼陈水扁，独狼卡斯特罗。
★、八仙过海，各找各妈。
★、公厕对联：天下英雄豪杰，到此无不低头屈膝；世间贞女节妇，进来纷纷解带宽裙；横批：天地正气。
★、公厕对联：脚踏黄河两岸手拿机密文件；前面机枪扫射后面炮火连天。横批：爽。
★、其实世上本没有路，不自觉的人多了，也便成了路。
★、其实我是一个天才，只可惜天妒英才。
★、内事不决问百度，外事不决问谷歌！
★、内行看门道，外行看人行道。
★、再卓越的肖邦，也弹不出老子的悲伤！
★、再过几十年，我们来相会，送到火葬场，全部烧成灰，你一堆，我一堆，谁也不认识谁，全部送到农村做化肥。
★、再难再苦，就当自己是二百五，再难再险，就当自己是二皮脸。
★、农夫三拳——有点疼……
★、净重——洗干净澡后称得的重量。
★、凡人创造历史，伟人是演义的传奇。
★、凡是在食堂、自习室、教学楼前当众疯狂接吻的——都是开不起房的！
★、凤凰重生就是涅盘，野鸡重生就是尸变。
★、刀客用刀，剑客用剑，绅士要用伞；猥琐的绅士——用折叠伞！
★、刚睡着，收到一个短信：睡姿不对，请重睡。
★、别人的钱财乃我身外之物。
★、别人都假装正经，我只好假装不正经。
★、别人都说我长得天生励志！
★、别以为你很酷，其实我一见你就想吐；别以为你很帅，其实我想一脚把你踹！
★、别以为穿着脏衣服就可以做污点证人；别以为穿着木制拖鞋就可以做木屐证人……
★、别和我谈理想，戒了！
★、别在我的坟前哭，脏了我轮回的路。
★、别看你不美，我拿你照样当土匪，别看你不肥，我拿你照样当棒槌。
★、别让爱与被爱成为习惯！
★、别跟我狂！容易死亡！别跟我装！容易受伤！群殴你没人！单挑你不行！我轻则把你打成张海迪！重则把你捶成木乃伊！给你点面子！把你打得生活不能自理。
★、前途是光明的，道路是没有的。
★、前骷髅，后玄武，脑后长着一反骨。左青龙，右白虎，肩上纹个米老鼠。
★、医学专家忠告：水，是我们生命的源泉，请大家每天定时定量灌水。每天逛一逛，灌一灌，有益身心健康。早晨起来一桶水，饭前饭后一桶水，关键在于坚持，重点在于参与。
★、午夜十二点准时下线，否则公主就会变回灰姑娘。
★、单身很痛苦，单身久了更痛苦，前几天我看见一头母猪，都觉得它眉清目秀的……
★、原來地久天長，只是誤會一場。
★、去爱吧，如同没有受过伤一样；歌唱吧，如同没人聆听一样；跳舞吧，如同没人欣赏一样；工作吧，就当没有工资一样；生活吧，就当今天是未日一样……
★、参加选美的那些女人，都找不到好男人，因为好男人都结婚了，比如我。
★、反正都是活到死，该喝奶喝奶，该吃糖吃糖。
★、变态是我的常态，常态是我的变态。
★、只是有钱并不能让人幸福，所以我还顺带偷些珠宝、邮票、手表什么的。
★、只要功夫深，一日夫妻百日恩。
★、只要功夫深，拉屎也认真。
★、只要鋤頭舞的好，哪有牆腳挖不倒？
★、吃不到天鹅肉，我还不能吃只鸭子么？
★、吃得挺胖，装得挺象。肥头大耳，四肢健壮。带个钢笔，不会算帐。买个电脑，不会上网。抬手举足，尽出洋相。晚上睡觉，一准尿炕。
★、吃的是草，挤出来的是青春痘！
★、合久必分，分久必合；喝酒必疯，逢酒必喝。
★、同志们：别炒股，风险太大了。还是做豆腐最安全！做硬了是豆腐干，做稀了是豆腐脑，做薄了是豆腐皮，做没了是豆浆，放臭了是臭豆腐！稳赚不亏呀
★、名花虽有主，我来松松土！只要松好土，名花可易主。
★、向你祝贺圣诞的各国领导人有：蒙古的巴人内库；伊朗的她梅内依；日本的松下酷代、床上美子；韩国的朴昌妓；越南的阮中映；罗马尼亚的急了就撕裤；沙特的摸还摸得、摸还摸不得……
★、听说女人如衣服，兄弟如手足，回想起来，我竟然七手八脚地裸奔了19年！
★、吾生也有涯，而吃也无涯。
★、告别了单身，你是否迎来了真的爱情？
★、命运负责洗牌，但是玩牌的是我们自己！
★、和尚拈花望月，恐龙坐地成仙。
★、咱俩的关系还没好到我对你不怀好意的份儿上！
★、哭海无涯，回头是俺。
★、唯女人与英语四级难过也，唯老婆与工作难找也！
★、唯物是本质，唯心是境界！
★、唾沫是用來數鈔票的，不是用來講道理的。
★、商女不知亡国恨、妓女不懂婚外情。
★、問世間情為何物，一物降一物。
★、啥时硬件也可以COPY就好了！
★、善良＝善于从良；感化＝感冒恶化。
★、喝白酒一斤，我绝对没感觉，因为喝半斤就已经喝死了。
★、喝酒可以喝醉，跳舞可以摸背，无论怎么勾对，耍完快点撤退；走时小心防备，不然打成龟背。
★、喝醉了我谁也不服，我就扶墙！
★、嗷嗷嗷，曲项向天嚎。
★、固执啊，你的名字是女人……
★、在中国队面前，穿黄色球衣的泰国队恍惚间也有了巴西队的风范。
★、在哪里摔倒就在哪里躺下。
★、在埃及，一个男人可以娶四个老婆。那得多累啊，还是中国好。
★、在天愿作比翼鸟，在地愿作同圈猪！
★、在愛情的道路上，我腿腳不行，所以總是走走停停。
★、在我们的友谊旅途上，有时你看不到我在你身旁，不是我把你遗忘，更不是让你独自一个人游荡。是我，选择走在你的后方，当你不小心跌倒时我就跑上去…………踩两脚！
★、在我归隐了七个账号之后，我终于明白──真正应该归隐的不是账号，而是我的心。
★、在教堂听讲经的时候我们应该保持肃静，打扰别人睡觉是很不礼貌的。
★、在現代社會做個女人，真好。漂亮吧叫美女，不漂亮吧叫有氣質；有才氣叫才女，沒才氣也不要緊，可以叫淑女——女子無才便是德嘛。瘦了叫苗條，胖了叫豐滿；高的叫亭亭玉立，矮的叫小巧玲瓏。脾氣好的叫溫柔，脾氣不好的叫潑辣；愛傻笑那叫陽光，繃著臉那叫冷艷；活潑的叫顧盼生輝，矜持的叫穩重大方。化裝叫嫵媚動人艷麗不可方物，不化裝則是清水芙蓉素面朝天；穿得整齊叫莊重華美，穿的隨意則叫瀟灑自如。年輕叫青春靚麗，年長則叫成熟動人；追的人多叫眾星捧月，沒人敢追叫傲雪寒霜。掙錢的叫追求獨立，不掙錢的叫犧牲為家；多生孩子叫做母親偉大，不生孩子叫響應國家計劃。天天在家不出門的那叫賢惠，天天出去不回來的那叫女權；從不離婚的叫感情專一，經常離婚的叫追求幸福；嘮嘮叨叨叫循循善誘，貶損欺壓叫“野蠻女友”。偏要和男人一樣那叫不讓須眉，偏要男人讓著那叫女士優先；長的像女人那叫有女人味，長的不像女人——更沒關系啦，那叫“超女”，火著呢。
★、在网上碰上一群流氓并不可怕，可怕的是碰上了一堆流氓软件。
★、在街上看美女，目光高一点就是欣赏，目光低一点就是流氓。
★、地球太可怕了，我们还是回火星去吧！
★、城市里除了性无能的男人，就是爱无能的男人，除了这两者，只剩下，女人。
★、士为知己者装死，女为悦己者整容。
★、夏天就是不好，穷的时候我连西北风都没得喝……
★、多情是傻，无情最酷，痴情是蠢，绝情是懂得世故。只爱一个有点傻，爱上两个最起码，三个五个刚合适，十个八个才潇洒。
★、多情自古伤离别，更那堪冷落圣诞节！
★、夜有所思，日有所梦，思是静夜思，梦是白日梦。
★、大多数人现在听得不是音乐，是流行！
★、大學就是大概學學。
★、大师兄，你知道吗？二师兄的肉现在比师傅的都贵了。──猪肉又涨价了！
★、大海啊，它全是水；地狱啊，都是鬼；骏马啊，它四条腿；看短信的傻子啊，他咧着嘴！
★、大脑是最高贵的器官——因为是大脑告诉你的。
★、天上掉钞票我不会弯腰。因为天上连馅饼都不会掉，更别说掉钞票了。
★、天下文章一大抄，天下男人一大骚。
★、天使之所以会飞，是因为她们把自己看得很轻……
★、天哪！我的衣服又瘦了。
★、天大的误会，我不是针对你……我是针对你这一类！
★、天是蓝的，海是深的，男人的话没一句是真的；爱是永恒的，血是鲜红的，男人不打是不行的；男人如果是有钱的，和谁都是有缘的；男人靠得住，猪都会爬树！
★、天没降大任于我，照样“苦我心智，劳我筋骨”。
★、天生我才必有用，唯独是情弄不懂！某日王帝托梦来，明早八点起床后，吃完蛋糕就会懂。（试读每句第三字会有惊喜）
★、天苍苍，野茫茫，今年的股市太渺茫；水弯弯，路长长，被套的日子不暗神伤；日白白，月朗朗，没钱的日子太漫长；楼高高，人忙忙，恨不得打劫抢银行。
★、天若有情天亦老，人不风流枉少年！
★、天马流星拳——庐山升龙霸——凤翼天翔——钻石星尘——星云锁链——还不死的话请留言。
★、失败不可怕，关键看是不是成功他妈。
★、头发长了不理，衣服脏了不洗，胡子凌乱几缕，形象不男不女，睡到中午才起，从来不想中举。谁？就是你！
★、头可断，但是发型不能乱！血可流，皮鞋不能不搽油！
★、女为悦己者容，男为己悦者穷，若要双方都相中，定是青蛙配恐龙。
★、女人是水做的，男人是泥做的，李俊基李宇春都是水泥做的。
★、女娲日天，后羿射之。
★、女孩──吃吧吃吧不是罪，再胖的人也有权利去增肥；苗条的背后其实是憔悴，爱你的人不会在乎你的腰围。尝尝阔别已久美食的滋味，就算撑死也是一种美。
★、她的胸部，据说有黑洞之称，任何光线（包括眼光）一旦落到她胸前，都将无法逃逸。
★、好久没有人把牛皮吹的这么清新脱俗了！
★、好好学习，天天想上。八字真言，毁人不倦。
★、好好活着，因为我们会死很久很久。
★、好想来一次安静的认真的努力的唐吉坷德式的单恋……
★、如果不是发生在我身上的话，那么这件事可真是太好笑了。
★、如果回帖是一种美德，那我早就成为圣人了。
★、如果多吃鱼可以补脑让人变聪明的话，那么我至少得吃一对儿鲸鱼……:(
★、如果幸福是浮云，如果痛苦似星辰。那我的生活真是万里无云，漫天繁星……
★、如果我能够看到自己的背影，我想它一定很忧伤，因为我把快乐都留在了前面。
★、如果早上来得晚一些的话，我想我会喜欢早上的。
★、如果有一天我变成流氓，请告诉别人，我也纯真过……
★、如果有钱也是一种错，那我情愿一错再错。
★、如果猪都会飞了，谁还买飞机？骑着猪上天不就行了。
★、如果白痴会飞，那我的公司简直是个机场。
★、如果說燒一年的香可以與你相遇，燒三年的香可以與你相識，燒十年的香可以與你相惜，為了我下輩子的幸福，我願意……改信基督教……
★、如果长得漂亮是一种错，我已经铸成大错；如果聪明是一种罪，我已经犯下滔天大罪，做人可真难。但你就好啦，既没错又没罪，我真羡慕你！
★、妈妈说，人最好不要错过两种东西：最后一班回家的车，和一个深爱你的人。我想坐着最后一班车到爱我的人身边。
★、始终没有沦为一名优秀的大学生，靠的就是坚强品质！
★、孟姜女哭倒长城干红，白娘子水漫金山词霸。
★、孤单是一个人的狂欢，狂欢是一群人的孤单。
★、学问之美，在于使人一头雾水；诗歌之美，在于煽动男女出轨；女人之美，在于蠢得无怨无悔；男人之美，在于说谎说得白日见鬼。——中文之美，在于添油加水；世界之美，在于找不到东南西北。
★、宁愿相信世间有鬼，也不相信男人那张破嘴！
★、客官请自重，小女子只卖身不卖艺。
★、家庭顺治、生活康熙、人品雍正、事业乾隆、万事嘉庆、前途道光、财富咸丰、内外同治、千秋光绪、万众宣统！
★、家穷人丑，一米四九；小学文化，农村户口；破屋三间，薄田一亩；今日上网，广征女友；革命路上，并肩携手。
★、寡人要和曹操打麻将，他把老袁灭了，弄得三缺一，曹操想和寡人下象棋，偏大耳贼老在旁边瞎支招，一来二去，我们仨打起来了......──《三国：大帝孙权的内心世界》
★、对不起！我已经死了！不过谢谢你来看我！今天晚上12点我也去看你！
★、对不起，您拨打的用户已结婚。
★、对你微笑，纯属礼貌。
★、对单身妹妹，我始终争取；对有夫之妇，我从未放弃；对十六岁以上女孩，我注意发掘；对小于十六的，要有战略性眼光。
★、寺贸综心整塌了，五角大楼喀嚓了。白宫门脸挂花了，布什这下抓瞎了。老窝让人家整惨了，中情局破玩现眼了。素质过硬不手软了，拉登大叔露脸了。死催得布什该总结经验了，别在地球到处捣乱了。树敌太多你不太好办了，以后别惹伊斯兰好汉了。米国那边闹的挺欢，咱也别老是冷眼旁观。一人抄起一块板儿砖，跨过海峡解放台湾。
★、將薪比薪的想一下，算了，不想活了。
★、小子，敢泡我马子！你说吧，是单挑还是群殴？群殴，我们一帮殴你一个；单挑，你挑我们一帮！
★、小小白猪了不起，天天睡到十点起，眼瞧天上雪花飘，乐得打滚背了气。要问小猪在哪里？正在翻看短信息。
★、小时候我以为自己长大后可以拯救整个世界，等长大后才发现整个世界都拯救不了我……
★、小时候的梦想并不是要当什么科学家，幻想自己是地主家的少爷，家有良田千顷，终日不学无术，没事儿领着一群狗奴才上街去调戏一下良家少女……
★、就像一只狂奔的蜗牛……
★、就算我是一只癞蛤蟆，我也坚决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
★、山不在高，有仙则灵；酒不在多，喝了就行。
★、山外青山楼外楼，你不爱我我不愁。世上美女到处有，她会比你更温柔！
★、工作的最高境界就是看着别人上班，领着别人的工资。
★、左边脑袋是面粉，右边脑袋是水，一想问题，就满脑袋糨糊。
★、已经将整个青春都用来检讨青春，还要把整个生命都用来怀疑生命。
★、布什同志失算了，美国大楼完蛋了，今夜星光灿烂了，世界有盼了，珍珠港又重现了，美国陷入瘫痪了，本土变成破烂了！
★、师傅！来瓶82年的矿泉水。
★、师太！你就从了老衲吧！
★、师太，你是我心中的魔，贫僧离你越近，就离佛越远……
★、帥有個屁用，到頭來還不是被卒子吃掉。
★、常常告诫自己不要在一棵树上吊死，结果……在树林里迷路了。
★、平时很现实，有点不真实；平时很努力，很像在演戏。
★、年轻人之间有点摩擦是正常的……没有摩擦，哪儿来的快感啊？！
★、年轻就应该做一些疯狂的事情，可惜——那时我们年幼……
★、幸福是什麽？幸福就是妳吃魚，我吃肉，看著別人啃骨頭。
★、床前明月光，地上鞋两双。抬头望明月，低头吃便当！
★、开始，我不过迷上了mm这个尤物；而结果呢，我却爱上了泡妞这门艺术。
★、强烈抗议广告时间插播电视剧！
★、当你穿上了爱情的婚纱，我也披上了和尚的袈裟……
★、当头晕的时候我终于明白了什么叫爱情。
★、当裤子失去皮带，才懂得什麽叫做依赖。
★、影评就是把一些根本不搭边的边缘知识联系到影片上来体现作者的博学。
★、很黑的深夜，我突然想要学习，可是当我找到蜡烛的时候，天已经亮了……
★、忍无可忍，就重新再忍。
★、念了十幾年書，還是幼兒園好混。
★、思想有多远，你就给我滚多远！
★、恋爱滑铁卢，人生走麦城。
★、悄悄地我们来了，正如我们悄悄地走，我们挥一挥匕首，不带走一个活口。
★、您真是贱人多忘事啊！
★、情未歉费，爱未停机，缘份为何不在服务区？是不是我走入了误区，还是过路费没交齐？
★、想吃面时拿梳子把馒头梳几下再吃；想吃冰淇淋时把馒头放在冰箱里冻冻再吃；想吃饼干时把馒头烤脆了再吃；想喝奶时在馒头上面拧个揪揪嘬着吃；想吃肉时把馒头捏成猪或羊的形状吃；想吃火锅时把馒头切成片放在开水里捞着吃。
★、想开了还是想开溜了？！
★、想当年，我拳打南山敬老院，脚踢北海幼儿园，一米以下全部放倒，八十以上走不动道儿。我在太平间里一跺脚，没人敢应着我的声音叫：『不服的给我站起来！』──没有一个敢喘气叫歪。
★、愁啊愁愁白了头，眼泪止不住的流；手上捧着窝窝头，菜里没有一点油……
★、懂得用错误的到案来证明自己对色情是清白的。
★、成功的男人白天瞎JB忙，晚上JB瞎忙；失败的男人白天没啥鸟事，晚上鸟没啥事。所以，我要做成功的男人！
★、我一无所有，唯余签名档。
★、我一直怀疑他这张遗像是穿着防弹背心照的。
★、我一贱你就笑。
★、我不在乎你有没有钱，我只在乎你有没有前途。
★、我不是你想象中的那样完美那样坚强，金钱和美女就足以把我征服！
★、我不是随便的人，我随便起来不是人。
★、我不能给你幸福，但可以给你舒服！
★、我也曾有过一双翅膀，不过我没用它在天上翱翔，而是放在锅里炖汤……
★、我从来不看电视，我只不过是经常核对一下报纸上的电视节目有没有印错。
★、我他妈的那么爱你，你他妈的爱理不理；我她妈的为你沦陷，你他妈的装没看见；我他妈的为你自尽，你他妈的愣不相信；我他妈的为你跳楼，你他妈的才肯回头；你她妈的回心转意，我他妈的决定放弃！
★、我以为自己颓废，后来发现是报废了！
★、我们产生一点小分歧：她希望我把粪土变黄金，我希望她视黄金如粪土。
★、我们是祖国的花朵——植物人。
★、我们琢磨，他们搅和；我们忙活，他们敛获。
★、我们黑社会讲信用，说不做就不做。
★、我假装为老板工作，老板假装付给我薪水。
★、我做过很多愚蠢的事情，但是我毫不在乎，我的朋友把它叫做“自信”。
★、我允许你走进我的世界，但没让你在我的世界里走来走去……
★、我先脱了。您随意……
★、我可不希望红到脸盆上都是我的照片。
★、我可好玩了，不信你玩玩。
★、我吃的盐比你吃的米还多呢？那是你口重；我过的桥比你走的路还多呢？那是你懒的动。
★、我和脂肪作鬥爭，差點儿沒犧牲。
★、我和超人的唯一区别是把内裤穿在里面了！
★、我喜欢恋爱游戏，不喜欢游戏恋爱。
★、我喝水只喝纯净水，牛奶只喝纯牛奶，所以我很单纯……
★、我喝酒是想把痛苦溺死，但这该死的痛苦却学会了游泳。
★、我在天空写下你的名字，却被风儿带走了；我在沙滩写下你的名字，却被浪花带走了；于是我在大街的每个角落写下你的名字………唉，我被警察带走了！
★、我在马路边，看到一分钱，刚要弯腰捡，原来是口痰，我骂他的妈，谁吐这么圆？
★、我坐在一块一亿五千万年的石头上，发了一下午的呆……
★、我妈过生日，送脑白金还不如送两块大梁骨煮煮吃——至少还能当下酒菜。
★、我小学十年，中学十二年，我被评为全校最熟悉的面孔，新老师来了都跟我打听学校内幕……
★、我就像一只趴在玻璃上的苍蝇，前途一片光明，可却找不到出路。
★、我就算是一只癞蛤蟆，我也决不娶母癞蛤蟆。
★、我床上的不知道是谁媳妇，我媳妇不知道在谁的床上！
★、我当年也是个痴情的种子，结果下了场雨……淹死了。
★、我悲哀，我用我最美丽的一面展现给他看，他看的却是远方的风景。
★、我想，只要我再稍微具有一些谦虚的品质，我就是个完美的人了。
★、我想和你处，谁也挡不住；处了我就黄，我就这么狂；黄了我再处，我就这么酷；处了我就上，我就这么浪；上了我就甩，我就这么拽。
★、我想早恋，但是已经太晚了……
★、我想知道为什么我想知道为什么我想知道为什么我只想知道为什么我非要知道为什么我一定要知道为什么。
★、我愛你！關你什麼事？
★、我愿意为我爱的人付出的和我爱的人要我付出的是不一样的……
★、我才不去见网友，除非国家修改一夫一妻制。
★、我把电视遥控器别在腰上，作出一付买了新手机的样子。
★、我故意学习，故意工作，故意生活，故意活得像个人。
★、我昨天才知道，有一位mm愿意为我失去生命！呵呵，好感动！她斩钉截铁对我说：你再缠着我，我就去死……
★、我是一颗葱，站在风雨中，谁敢拿我沾大酱，我骂他老祖宗！走过南、闯过北，厕所后面喝过水，火车道上压过腿，还和傻子亲过嘴。上过山、打过虎，少林寺中练过武，左青龙，右白虎，常拿佛祖喂老虎！金字塔上跳过舞，耶稣头上打过鼓———整个儿一个二百五。
★、我是个“演”“员”，一看见漂亮妹妹———眼睛就圆。
★、我是你的风筝，线在你手上，可陪伴我的只有风。
★、我是妳轉身就忘的路人甲，憑什麽陪妳蹉跎到天涯？
★、我是扁鹊的后代——蝙蝠。
★、我是胖人，不是粗人。
★、我是零线，你是火线——虽然形影不离，但一相交就短路。
★、我曾经是个莽撞少年，循規蹈矩地活了這麽多年。
★、我有一个要求：送我礼物，请我吃饭，希望你能满足我，否则，我将把你的手机号码写在墙上，前边再加两个字：办证。还必须请我吃好，要不就写：征婚，男女皆可，条件不限。你看着办吧！
★、我有一颗水晶般的心，可别人以为是玻璃做的。
★、我有一首无名诗，世上很少有人知，只有我和傻瓜知，傻瓜正在读此诗！
★、我格式化自己，只爲刪除妳。
★、我没事，十三太保金钟罩，练的就是屁股。
★、我深信，會有一個男人是爲受我的折磨而來到這世上的。
★、我爱你，可我不敢说，我怕说了我就去死；我不怕死，我怕我死了以后没有人像我这么爱你。
★、我爱你，并不是因为你是谁，而是因为在你面前时，我是谁？！
★、我爱的人名花有主，爱我的惨不忍睹；不在寂寞中恋爱，就在寂寞中变态！
★、我爸面对我发胖一事发表了看法：没有韩红的命，还得了韩红的病。
★、我的优点是：我很帅；但是我的缺点是：我帅的不明显。
★、我的墓志铭：陪聊，提供夜间上门服务。带着一根烟，浪迹天涯……
★、我的意中人是个绝色大美女，终会有一天她会骑着喷火的恐龙来嫁给我的，可是我看见了她的座骑，却没有看见它的主人……
★、我的梦想是做个地主家的少爷：家有良田千顷，终日不学无术，没事就带帮狗奴才去街上调戏良家妇女！
★、我的爱人都叫我第三者！
★、我的钱，正在来我家的路上。
★、我看漂亮的女孩子从不脸红，却把人家看得脸红。我凭什幺要脸红，又没干什幺坏事，我只不过眼光执著了些罢了。
★、我真的不愿意用脚趾头鄙视你。但兄弟，是你逼我这么做的。
★、我等待妳的關心，等的關上了心。
★、我终于明白公关的意思了，公关就是公的关在家里面，母的出来活动！
★、我终究没能飙得过那辆宝马，只能眼看着它在夕阳中绝尘而去，不是我的引擎不好，而是我的车链子掉了。
★、我能容忍身材是假的，脸是假的，胸是假的，臀是假的！但就是不容忍钱是假的！
★、我能抵抗一切，除了诱惑……
★、我自横刀向天笑，笑完我就去睡觉。
★、我花八万买了个西周陶罐，昨儿到《鉴宝》栏目进行鉴定，专家严肃地说：“这哪是西周的？这是上周的！”
★、我虽然做不了有钱人的后代，但我一定要做有钱人的祖宗。
★、我虽然拥护你说话的权利，但我誓死不赞成你的观点。
★、我觉得自己活得象一句废话。
★、我身为和尚，我的任务是把爱分给众生。
★、我身在江湖，江湖却没有关于我的传说！
★、我身边的朋友们啊，你们快点出名吧，这样我的回忆录就可以畅销了……
★、我这人从不记仇，一般有仇当场我就报了。
★、我这辈子只有两件事不会：这也不会，那也不会。
★、我還在原地等妳，妳卻已經忘記曾經來過這裏。
★、所谓卖艺不就是艺术范畴内的“援助交际”吗？
★、所谓国情，就是大多数的人情。
★、手拿菜刀砍電線，一路火花帶閃電。
★、打动我是你的名字，吸引我是你的样子，包围我是你的银子，牵绕我是你的手指，紧靠我是你的身子，绑住我是我们的孩子！
★、打是疼，骂是爱，急了用脚踹。手来手断、脚来脚断、脑袋来了西吧烂。
★、打死你我也不会说。
★、找个小美眉，陪我来灌水；吾灌水源头，君灌水源尾；上id挖坑，换mj灌水；与版主理论，与战务拌嘴；上“十大”（排名）不慌，封全站不悔；快来小mm，信箱站内给。
★、拳打清华北大，脚踢复旦南开，剩下的都是晚辈，老夫不屑动嘴。
★、拿什么整死你，我的爱人……
★、按猪的审美观，我基本算得上是个帅哥。
★、挤在北京，给首都添麻烦了┅┅
★、摇啊摇，摇到奈何桥。
★、摩登新说：衬衫短得露济眼，眼镜戴在天灵盖；十个脚趾十个色，皮鞋后跟没个带。
★、擠公交是包含散打、瑜珈、柔道、平衡木等多種體育和健身項目于一體的綜合性運動。
★、数钱数到手抽筋，睡觉睡到自然醒！
★、新年对联：天增岁月人增瘦，馒头稀饭已吃够。鱼翅燕窝没享受，一身都是硬骨头！
★、新新网词：网上无计可消愁，聊天解烦忧，忽见美眉在招手，顿首、顿首；关掉其他窗口，聊到最后，是一北方老叟，作呕、作呕！
★、无所为而无所谓，无所谓而无所不为。
★、既宅又腐，前途未卜。
★、日日要早起，天天上自习！
★、早餐里吃到刷锅的金属丝很正常，这正说明我们后勤是严格按照先刷锅后做饭的顺序操作的。
★、时下最经典的饭堂名菜是“胡萝卜皮炒胡萝卜肉”。
★、时间就像乳沟，挤一挤总还是有的！
★、明星脱一点就能更出名，我脱得光光的却被抓起来了！
★、明月几时有，自己抬头瞅。
★、昔日“小虎队”，今日“老虎队”。
★、春困，秋乏，夏打盹！冬眠多久没有准儿。
★、春天到了，小鸟恋爱了，蚂蚁同居了，苍蝇怀孕了，蚊子流产了，毛毛虫改嫁了，青蛙也生孩子了……酒窝，我们还等什么了啦？
★、春天我把玉米埋在土里，到了秋天我就会收获很多玉米。春天我把老婆埋在土里，到了秋天我就会……被枪毙！
★、春天是感冒和感情高发的季节。有人不小心感冒了，有人不小心恋爱了，我属于前者。
★、春色满园关不住，我拉红杏出墙来。
★、昨日饮酒过度，醒来仍想呕吐。近来心情郁闷，总有感慨无数。一人闯荡在外，起初觉得挺酷。如今回头一看，寂寞凄惨无助。自小练文习武，觉得是个人物。没想老大不小，仍然没人光顾。那天遇见街头，良晨美景无数。如果有幸今生，我将爱你不住。
★、曾以为我是那崖畔的一枝花，后来才知道，不过是人海一粒渣。
★、曾經跟一個人無數次擦肩而過，衣服都擦破了，也沒擦出火花。
★、最早的爱情诗：我来自云南元谋，你来自北京周口，握住你那毛茸茸的小手，轻轻地咬上一口。啊！是爱情，让我们直立行走……
★、月全食的中秋夜，没有情人的情人节……
★、有一个很古老的传说，说是在北邮校园内能看到美女的人会长生不老……
★、有一种寒冷叫孤独，有一种惆怅叫成长，有一种欢笑叫哭泣，有一种喜悦叫悲伤；有一种沉默叫朋友，有一种团聚叫分离，有一种爱情叫折磨，有一种哲理叫狗屁。
★、有一种默契，叫作心照不宣；有一种感觉，叫作妙不可言；有一种思念，叫作望眼欲穿；有一种白痴，会把短信看完。
★、有些妖精吃人，但人什么都吃，逮着一只妖精没准也能烧烤了！
★、有人向我挑战说：你放马过来。我不回话，只是疾弛而去，然后马后一炮打倒他。
★、有人说药品的名称和它的作用是没有任何联系的，名不符实，这纯粹是污蔑。因为有一次我肚子疼去看医生，医生竟然开了感冒药，结果我马上就感冒了。
★、有朋自远方来，尚能饭否？
★、有的人，从他看电影的方式就能看出他人品，看文艺片时不断快进，看A片时不断暂停。
★、有花折时只需折，莫待无花空折纸！
★、有錢人終成眷屬。
★、朋友，失恋过吗？没有？那你人生不完整呀！
★、朋友是干粮，老婆是咸菜。
★、朋友来，怎么办？先订旅馆，后进饭店，再到歌厅练一练，去桑那涮一涮，找小姐按一按。老婆发现咋办？克林顿咋办咱咋办……
★、本人中科院高级潜水院院士，诺贝尔长期掉线奖，奥斯卡终生隐身奖……
★、本人姓我！名爱你！字想你！大名叫懂你！芳名叫疼你！乳名叫念你！书名叫梦你！外号叫追你！你可以叫我吻你。
★、本人性生活不能自理。
★、本人由于过于英俊，故有导演找我去演《巴黎圣母院》的男主角……
★、本钱是革命的身体。
★、某某大学，星光璀璨。走进一看，破破烂烂。十个老师，九个笨蛋。还有一个，神经错乱。
★、树不要皮，必死无疑；人不要脸，天下无敌。
★、根据脸红定理，如果你看一个人时不脸红，那么对方就要被你看得脸红。
★、梦遗落在草原上，月经常挂在天上……
★、欧买搭菱，买低儿，爱拉服油佛爱扶儿！爱眯死油馊麻曲，爱旺特吐磕死油！爱泥的油败得里，爱旺特吐蹋曲油！嗷~！抗忙贝逼！磕死眯，蹋曲米，抗氓！
★、欲摧其城，必先合而围之，断其粮草，灭其援兵，堵其退路，惑其心志，刚柔并济，虚实相间，外攻不如内陷，强攻不如说降——追女亦然。
★、正是女人对商场的爱，才使商场变得越来越精彩。女人是商场的救星，每个商场的门口都应该用最大的字留：感谢女人。
★、此人已死、有事烧纸。
★、此地禁止大小便，违者没收工具。
★、歲寒三友——火鍋，白菜，熱被窩。
★、每个成功的奥特曼背后都有一个默默挨打的小怪兽。
★、每天我都不断地刷新一项世界纪录－－我在世界上已经生活的天数。
★、每天都是这样：和乔丹打打球，和泰森玩玩拳，跟克林顿聊聊绯闻，与拉登炸炸楼，与登辉吹吹牛，给小狗发发短信。真没劲！
★、水在流、鱼在游，爱你不需要理由；风在吹、雨在下，很想抱你亲一下；你有心、我有心，和你相爱到如今；天有情、地有情，我想扁你行不行？
★、水能载舟，亦能煮粥。
★、水至清则无鱼，人至贱则无敌。
★、汉语中“用比较级表示最高级”的例子：我比窦娥还冤！
★、沒有什麽過不去，只有再也回不去。
★、没有不透风的墙，没有不能上吊的梁。
★、没有东西比爱情好，大米粥总比没有东西好，所以，大米粥比爱情好。
★、没有激情的拥吻，哪来床上的翻滚；没有肚皮的摩擦，哪来爱情的火花。
★、没有英雄的时代，我倍感孤独。
★、没有钱，没有权，再不对你好点，你能跟我？
★、没钱的时候，老婆兼秘书；有钱的时候，秘书兼老婆。
★、活著，以死的姿态┅┅
★、流氓不可怕，就怕流氓有文化。
★、浑人落魄江湖行，东西南北分不清。撞到墙角浑不觉，躺在地上数星星！
★、清水出芙蓉，碧血洗银枪。奇文共欣赏，好酒同品尝。
★、漂亮的美眉终于答应了我的追求！我像中世纪多情的绅士，亲吻了她。然后，我说：今天你吃红烧带鱼了吧？
★、漏洞与补丁齐飞，蓝屏共死机一色！
★、漫漫人生路，总会错几步。
★、爬呀爬，爬到外婆桥。天涯何处无芳操！
★、爱，本身就是一种欲望……
★、爱一个人好难！爱两个人好玩！爱三个人好烦！爱四个人扯蛋！爱五个人翻船！爱六个人彻底玩完！
★、爱之钥匙：莫把美乳香颈藏，领口开低引蝶狂，人见人爱想媚娘。
★、爱人是种无奈，被爱是种姿态，等爱是种期待，无爱是种能耐。
★、爱人是路，朋友是树，人生只有一条路。一条路上多棵树，有钱的时候别迷路。缺钱的时候靠靠树，幸福的时候莫忘路，休息的时候浇浇树。
★、爱已欠费，情已停机，缘份不在服务区；思也痛苦，想也伤心，何日缴费再开机？横批：梦想成真。
★、爱情只不过是模棱两可的日久生情所引发的暧昧化游戏而已！
★、爱情电视剧，不费脑子，很费感情。
★、爱我的人我不爱他，我爱的人却不爱我，所以我很好奇为什么会有那么多人结婚？
★、爱我的请举手，不爱我的请倒立。
★、爷是种洒脱，娘是种情致。
★、爸爸让最我感动的一句话：孩子，好好学习吧，爸以前玩麻将都玩儿十块的，现在为了供你念书，改玩儿一块的了……
★、猫是臭美的孤僻的过敏的自私的小资的狂妄的无精打采的肥头大耳的四体不勤的好吃懒做的最懒惰的废物；猫是高贵的独特的敏感的自尊的自爱的自恋的孤芳自赏的自以为是的自言自语的自食其力的最可爱的宠物。
★、王子和公主结婚了，从此过着没羞没臊的生活。
★、玫瑰，你的；巧克力，你的；钻石，你的。你是，我的！
★、玫瑰只有一朵，给我；爱情只有你我，别躲；只要真心相爱，吻我；今晚床上再见，全裸。
★、现在不玩命，将来命玩你。
★、现在你骂我，是因为你还不了解我；等你以后了解了我，你一定会动手打我的。
★、现在我挣很多钱，大家都夸我事业有成；娶了个美女，朋友说我找到了爱情。
★、现在的人穿衣，不是为了保暖，而是为了关键时刻有衣可脱；现在的人同居，不是为了结婚，而是为了不用结婚。
★、现实的社会，毁了我一个做好人的机会！
★、理发店不理发──按摩；歌厅不唱歌──全脱；桑拿不洗澡──肉搏；保安不抓妓──合作。
★、理想很丰满，现实很骨感。
★、琴棋书画不会，洗衣做饭嫌累。
★、生，容易。活，容易。生活，不容易。
★、生前何必久睡，死后自然长眠。
★、生命是一朵千瓣莲花，既然我拒绝绽放，那么我也就同时拒绝了枯萎和零落。
★、生存是什么？生存就是不择手段地活着。
★、生是你家的债权人，死是你家的讨债鬼。
★、生活就像一部庸俗的法国文艺片，没有高潮，没有情色，连字幕都没有。
★、生活就像碗杂碎面，若太纯净反而失了风味。
★、生活就是一部随时上演却不让排练的肥皂剧……
★、生的伟大，死在花下！
★、用iPhone的人都有个共同点：就是不好意思说不好用。
★、甩呆了库闭了，简直无法比喻了，如果把你失去了，肠子都得悔绿了，生活失去勇气了，工作不能继续了，感情缺乏甜蜜了，地球没吸引力了，总之就剩一句了：没有你活不下去了！
★、男人们幻想着我，我幻想着天堂。
★、男人可能有两大懊悔：一是脱衣服脱早了，二是脱裤子脱晚了。
★、男人就是狗，不给他吃饱他就不走。
★、男人所说的内在美，指的是胸罩里面，而不是内心。
★、男人生来就有罪，做事不能怕劳累，约会当然你付费，甜言蜜语要死背，什么错──都是你的不对。
★、男人的话就像老太太的牙齿，有多少是真的？！
★、男人膝下有黄金，我把整个腿都切下来了，连块铜也没找着！
★、男人要有钱，和谁都有缘。男人靠的住，母猪能上树。
★、男人长的帅有个屁用呀？到银行能用脸刷卡吗？
★、留了青山在，还是没柴烧。
★、白天停水，晚上没电！发不出工资，没钱吃饭！老婆孩子团团转；翻开邓选，找到答案──原来是社会主义初级阶段！再往后翻，天啊，一百年不变……
★、白天有你就有梦，夜晚有梦就有你。好好照顾你自己，不要感冒流鼻涕；要是偶尔打喷嚏，那就代表我想你！
★、白马啊……你死去哪了！是不是你把王子弄丢后不敢来见我了。
★、皮裤套棉裤，必定有缘故：不是棉裤薄，就是皮裤没有毛。
★、看到你我连食欲都没了，还谈什么性欲？
★、看到你才发现：原来现实也是可爱的——不是现实的可爱，你是可爱的现实。
★、看著別人的故事，留著自己的眼淚。
★、真不好意思，让您贱笑了。
★、睡眠是一门艺术——谁也无法阻挡我追求艺术的脚步！
★、睡觉睡到自然醒，数钱数到手抽筋。
★、石头记告诉我们：凡是真心爱的最后都散了，凡是混搭的最后都团圆了。
★、祝你：福如东海老王八，寿比南山大石块。
★、秀发去无踪，头屑更出众！
★、秃驴，敢跟贫道抢师太？
★、穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们打的找去吧。
★、站在铁栅栏门外光滑的石阶上，我右手边是一条路，通往男厕，左手边也是一条路，通往女厕。看着人来人往，我不禁感慨：为了同一个目的，却要分道扬镳……
★、红杏不出墙，坚决拽出来。红杏枝头春意闹，我上墙头等红杏。
★、红豆不长南国，长我脸上了，真相思！
★、纯洁是指我的个性，不是你的智商！
★、经不住似水流年，逃不过此间少年。
★、给点阳光我就腐烂。给我一个姑娘，我可以创造一个民族。
★、网上自古无娇娘，残花败柳一行行，偶有几对象鸳鸯，也是野鸡配色狼。
★、网恋生活，灌水人生。
★、网络就像是监狱，本来是偷了个钱包进来的，等出去的时候就什么都学会了。现实的社会，毁了我一个做好人的机会！
★、老天，你让夏天和冬天同房了吧？生出这鬼天气！
★、老子不但有车，还是自行的……
★、老实交待，昨天你出门在外，喝了酒，吃了菜，踩了野花你学坏，你让我怎么把你爱！
★、老师举起两根手指，对同学们说：“同学们，学好数学关键就是三个字！‘多做练习’！”
★、老鼠一发威，大家都是病猫。
★、老鼠扛刀，满街找猫。
★、聊天诚可贵，网费价更高，若为睡觉故，二者皆可抛。
★、职业小三，非婚勿扰。顺我者娼，逆我者氓。
★、肉的理想，白菜的命。
★、胖子路上走，幸亏长得丑！
★、能用钱解决的问题都不是问题，可问题是我是穷人。
★、脚踢黄河两岸，拳打南北二京，成天怨天没根绳，我扯下来当帽戴！恨地没个把，我提起来当锤耍！牛皮不是吹的，火车不是推的，泰山不是垒的，黄河不是尿(sui)的。
★、脱了衣服我是禽兽，穿上衣服我是衣冠禽兽！
★、自从两个妓女自称是某名牌大学的毕业生后，我现在一般都自称文盲！
★、自己选择45°仰视别人，就休怪他人135°俯视着看你。
★、自打我变成了一泡屎，就再也没有人敢踩在我头顶上啦。
★、花花世界花花心，花的男人骗人心。达到目的就变心。要想今后不伤心，彻底对男人死了心！
★、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数！
★、英雄不问出路，流氓不看岁数。
★、虽然你是个暴牙！别自悲，暴牙可是很好呀！暴牙可以刨地瓜，下雨可以遮下巴，喝茶可以隔茶渣，野餐可以当刀叉，你说暴牙是不是顶呱呱！
★、虽然我长的不是很帅，但小时候也有人夸我左边鼻孔很偶像派。
★、虽然真相已经大白，但我还是喜欢报纸上的故事。
★、蜡炬成灰泪始干，化做春泥我会更胡花。
★、街上没有兵，没有马，却兵荒马乱的。
★、街边丑女一回头，吓死路边一头牛，街边丑女二回头，彗星也会撞地球；街边丑女三回头，一日三餐不用愁。
★、街边美女一挥手，路灯也要瞅一瞅；街边美女二挥手，高楼都想亲一口；街边美女三挥手，地球刹车往回走。
★、要不是为挣钱，脸要来做什么…
★、要在江湖混，最好是光棍。
★、要想和我处，先得和我住！住完我就黄，我就这么狂！黄完我再处，我就这么酷！处完我再甩，我就这么拽！
★、要我扫地就绝对不刷碗，要我刷碗就绝对不扫地，两样一起做？你当我是外星人啊！
★、要是我再灌水，就骂我“三个代表”没学好吧……
★、要注意保养皮肤。除油用华光，美白有雕牌；清洁买海鸥，柔顺靠蜂花。
★、要适当吃一点，才有力气减肥。
★、见到我以后你会突然发现——原来帅也可以这样具体呀！
★、誰耽誤我一陣子，我讓他後悔一輩子。
★、让我诅咒的西方，我连撒尿都不朝着那个方向。
★、让未来到来，让过去过去。
★、说文：“恋”是个很强悍的字。它的上半部取自“变态”的“变”，下半部取自“变态”的“态”。
★、请原谅我还活着。这辈子，不谈恋爱；下辈子，不考清华。
★、请大家欣赏新疆歌舞——掀起你的头盖骨！
★、诸葛亮出山前也没带过兵啊，你们凭啥要我有工作经验！
★、读书苦，读书累，读书还要交学费，不如参加黑社会，有吃有喝有地位，晚上还有女人陪着睡。
★、谁，执我之手，敛我半世癫狂；谁，吻我之眸，遮我半世流离。
★、谁控制舆论就等于控制了正义。
★、谁能对偶(我)的感情就像对人民币一样忠诚？
★、谁说天下乌鸦一般黑？其实一个更比一个黑！
★、谈钱不伤感情，谈感情最伤钱。
★、谢谢你，谢你大爷，谢你全家，谢你祖宗十八代。（见过这样感谢别人的吗？）
★、象话吗？！象画儿就挂起来了！
★、走别人的路，让他人走投无路。走他人的路，让别人无路可走！
★、走自己的路，让别人打车吧。穿别人的鞋，走自己的路，让他们找去吧。
★、跌倒了，爬起来再哭……
★、路漫漫其修远兮，不如我们来打‘的’。
★、路见不平一声吼，吼完继续往前走。
★、跳楼须知：痛快到七楼，喘气到六楼，挣扎到五楼，残废到四楼，住院到三楼，吓人到二楼，看热闹到一楼。
★、踏遍青楼人未老，请用汇仁肾宝。
★、踩了您的脚，真对不起，不过您也比较幸运，平时我都是穿高跟鞋的。
★、身体怎么补？一天三顿大红薯；样子如何酷？十年一条牛仔裤！
★、轻轻地我来了，重重的我又要回去了。我挥一挥衣袖，顺走了一个博士学位。
★、轻轻地我走了，正如我悄轻轻地来。我整一整麻袋，带走了许多白菜。
★、迅雷不及掩耳盗铃，以不变应万变不离其宗，成事不足挂齿，此物最相思风雨中，一屋不扫何以扫天下无敌，东边日出西边雨一直下，举头望明月几时有，呆若木鸡毛当令箭，杀鸡焉用牛刀小试，锋芒毕露露春光，围魏救赵赵宝奎，八格牙鲁鲁冰花，一泻千里共婵娟，very　good　bye　bye了您吧……
★、过往的人啊，不要为我的死悲伤。如果我活着，你们谁也活不了——罗伯斯庇尔墓志铭
★、迎风淌眼泪、撒尿嗤脚背。
★、这世界上最遥远的距离，不是天涯海角，也不是生死别离，而是我身在祖国，却不知道祖国在发生什么。
★、这个世界上我只相信两个人，一个是我，另一个不是你。
★、这个信息泛滥的时代，你还要以掌握更多信息为荣么？我早就以什么都知道为耻了！
★、远看青山绿水，近看痴压裂嘴。
★、追你追你我追你，就象猎人追狐狸；亲你亲你我亲你，就象老汉啃玉米。爱你爱你我爱你，就像老鼠爱大米。我是粽叶你是米，一层一层裹住你。你是牙齿我是米，香香甜甜粘住你。粽子里有多少米，代表我有多想你。记得给我发信息，不然粽子噎死你。
★、送你十个字——有他妈多远，滚他妈多远。
★、逆风的方向，更适合飞翔。我不怕万人阻挡，只怕自己投降。
★、选恋人要选和自己相配的，如果不相配那也要选个自己敬佩的，如果不能敬佩那起码得选个可以交配的。
★、遇见你是偶然的，喜欢你是自然的，爱上你是毅然的，得到你是欣然的，伴你一生是必然的。
★、那只以绿豆为食的鲨鱼，就是传说中的“绿豆沙”。
★、鄙視我的人這麼多，你算老幾？
★、酒，装在瓶里像水，喝到肚里闹鬼，说起话来走嘴，走起路来闪腿；见了小姐阳萎，弄不成事只能亲嘴，自我感觉还象政治局常委；半夜起来找水，黑更半夜装鬼，早上起来后悔，中午酒杯一端还是挺美。
★、酒是吃饭精，越喝越年青；酒是长江水，越喝越貌美；酒是敌敌畏，你不喝醉，我不喝醉，这么宽的马路谁来睡。
★、金钱不能买到一切，但是可以买到我；暴力不能解决一切，但是可以解决你——∶）
★、钱可以买房子但买不到家，可以买婚姻但买不到爱情，可以买钟表但买不到时间，钱不是一切，反而是痛苦的根源。把你的钱给我，让我一个人承担痛苦吧！
★、钱输光了，家具也输光了，衣服也输光了，我现在出门像一个阿拉伯人。
★、锄禾“日”当午，弯弓“射”大雕。
★、锻炼肌肉，防止挨揍！
★、长个包子样就别怨狗跟着！——白话有白话的痛快。
★、长大了要嫁给唐僧，能玩就玩，不能玩就把他吃掉。
★、长得真有创意，活得真有勇气！长得丑不是你的错，但你跑出来吓人，就是你不对了！
★、长江后浪推前浪，前浪死在沙滩上。后浪继续往前上，还会死在沙滩上。
★、长相决定命运，难怪我命运如此坎坷。
★、问：你喜欢我哪一点？答：我喜欢你离我远一点！
★、问世间帅为何物 直教人以身相许？
★、问对问题，找到答案。少问问题，害你白干！不问问题，永远笨蛋。问错问题，死得难看！
★、除了一项，其余栏目填得都挺好，“关系”这一栏应该填“岳母”，而不应该填“紧张”。
★、除却巫山不是云，只因未到凌霄处。
★、随你便不能随你大小便！
★、零岁出场亮相，十岁天天向上。二十远大理想，三十发奋图强。四十基本定向，五十处处吃香。六十打打麻将，七十处处闲逛。八十拉拉家常，九十挂在墙上！
★、青春就像卫生纸，看着挺多的，用着用着就不够了。
★、非常大男子主义：“非常大”正是根据我的某个器官特制而量身定做的。
★、面对感情的戲，我沒有演技。
★、领导偏袒你，警察让着你，法院向着你，官运伴着你，媳妇由着你，吃喝随便你，小蜜陪着你，中奖只有你──做梦！
★、颈部如胎儿般被扭曲的亡骸，在我看来竟如同被折断的百合花。
★、风卷云动雨倾城，叩窗犹如瓦缶鸣。玻璃问雨累不累，雨问玻璃疼不疼。——偶得下雨诗一首。
★、风流无罪，小资万岁──晋御史中丞高崧。
★、风流潇洒是帅哥，一呼百应是大哥，出租司机是的哥，看短信的是PIG。
★、食堂，是个让欲望终结的地方……
★、饭后百步走，活到九十九。
★、馒头诚可贵，包子价更高，若有烧排骨，两者皆可抛。
★、马不停蹄的错过，轻而易举的辜负，不知不觉的陌路。
★、骗子太多，傻子明显不够用了……
★、骚归骚，骚有骚的贞操；贱归贱，贱有贱的尊严。
★、鸳鸯戏水，淹死；比翼双飞，摔死。
★、黑夜给了我一双黑色的眼睛，可我却用它来翻白眼。
★、黑话──专业黑道术语；白话──业余文学作文。
★、點的是煙，抽的卻是寂寞。

短信集锦──深情漂白

★、一线情缘牵白头，日日思念排忧愁，不要怪我痴情种，见你常在梦境中。如果你我本有缘，隔山离水一线牵，三月桃花正旺盛，秋后果实最香甜。（藏头诗：一日不见如隔三秋）
★、下雪的时候没有声音，没有声音的下雪很真实！想你的时候没有声音，没有声音的想你更真实！
★、假如你是我梦中那只收桅待泊的船，我愿是那静静的湾，荡着轻柔的浪，舒展着迷人的滩。假如我变成黄土，黄土也爱着你；假如黄土上长满青草，青草也爱着你；假如青草上挂满露珠，露珠也爱着你。假如我是清风你是玫瑰，我要悄悄抚摸你透散着芬芳的发丝；假如我是一只蜘蛛，而你是美丽的蝴蝶，我要用心编织的情网，紧紧抱住你飞翔的翅膀；假如我是麋鹿你是清泉，我要用火热的唇狂饮你的甘甜。假如我就是那个假如，让上帝给我祝福……
★、刚见到你好开心，再见到你好舒心，想你想得好伤心，追你追得好用心，请你成全我的心！
★、刮风了，那是我对你的动心；下雨了，那是因为我对你的爱感动了天；打雷了，那是我在喊“我爱你”。
★、原本有心爱相随，付出寸心有尔时，二人无缘难相配，牛过独木是人为，无言难平情缘事，宝玉只为女人醉。（愿你一生平安）
★、原本有心花不开，偶尔有人来相伴，悔时无心已有泪，吞下口去悄无声，来者耳边轻轻诉，缺少左边心相印，东风带走一二点。（愿你每天都快乐）
★、友情又失月下愁，夕阳西斜夕当头，步入情海无止境，受害只能又焕友，骑士缺马一人走，似是伊人已分手，千里相逢在何年，藉此惜别二十秋。（有多少爱可以重来）
★、可爱的你偷走我的情，盗走我的心，我决定告你上法庭，该判你什么罪呢？法官翻遍所有的犯罪记录和案例，最后陪审团一致通过：判你终生归我。
★、在1至9中选取你最喜欢的数，用它乘以9，所得数的十位与个位相加，再乘以3，加上与自己打kiss的人数，所得数为你最佳结婚年龄；告诉我你的结婚年龄是多少？
★、在下就是江湖上久未露面的：玉面无敌小飞龙，冷酷杀手大老虎！风靡万千少女，迷死无数情痴。改善社会风气，带动电影事业，推动经济成长，搞活市场经济，拉动内需，带起外需，建设祖国，努力四化！遇佛佛晕，碰鬼鬼倒，黑风寨上一枝花，盘丝洞前万人迷，传说中的虹口道场新精武门之玉树临风淫不动，一朵梨花压海棠的小淫虫─***──是也！
★、天鹅湖边鸟飞绝，白天相约解相思，唯忘只得我关心，双点齐把国玉移，无奈如何人归去，宝玉不见于谷外，双思只在内心旁，单身贵族尔相连。（我的心只可容纳你）
★、天鹅飞去鸟不归，回峰山中我独醉。良辰（晨）美景斜眼看，孤独寂寞深深埋。日夜花草为依伴，青春虚度苦不堪。此番招罪为哪般，有朝一日兄台来。（我仍朝思暮想着你/我一直在深爱着你/我峨嵋派弃暗投明）
★、天鹅飞去鸟不归，怀念昔日空费心，云开月下双匕影，水流几处又相逢，日落月出人倚月，单身贵族尔相随。（我不能没有你）
★、好想把你藏在胸前的口袋，把你暖暖的融化，你就再也离不开，从此不让别人想，只准和我一个人相爱。
★、如果世界只剩10分钟，我会和你一同回忆走过的风雨，如果世界只剩3分钟，我会深深吻你10次，如果世界只剩1分钟，我会说60次我爱你！
★、如果我们之间有1000步的距离，你只要跨出第1步，我就会朝着你的方向走其余的999步。
★、如果我是太阳，我将给你温暖；如果我是钻石，我将给你永恒；可我什么都不是──所以我只能给你一个骚扰。哈哈！
★、如果我是狐狸你是猎人，你会追我吗？如果我是茶叶你是开水，你会泡我吗？如果我是汽车你是司机，你会驾我吗？如果你是钱我是存折，我一定会取你的。
★、如果我是骑马的，你可以叫我马夫；如果我是驾车的，你可以叫我车夫；如果我是管账的，你又该叫我什么呢?!──丈夫还是鳏夫？
★、如果有来世，就让我们做一对小小的老鼠吧。笨笨的相爱，呆呆的过日子，拙拙的依偎，傻傻的一起。即便大雪封山，还可以窝在暖暖的草堆紧紧的抱着咬你耳朵……
★、寒山寺上一棵竹，不能做称有人用，此言非虚能兑现，只要有情雨下显，天鹅一出鸟不见。（等你说爱我）
★、当风不再追云，当冰不再化水，当火不再炽热，当石不再坚硬，当世上没有爱情，我才能停止爱你……
★、感情会随着时间的流失而消失吗？不能叫消失，只能说冲淡！当这段感情淡成水，也就成了你们生活中不可或缺的一部分了！
★、我不会为你挡风遮雨，也不能和你比翼齐飞，我会走在你身后，当你累了的时候，好有个歇脚的地方！
★、我愿做你的病毒。
★、我把一万句誓言装在机枪里向你扫射，你倒在血泊中，浑身镶满了丘比特的子弹！
★、我把思念的歌唱给海洋听，海洋把这心愿交给了天空，天空又托付流云，化作小雨轻轻的飘落在你窗前，你可知道最近天气为何多变吗？全都是因为我在想你！
★、我最想做你的一颗牙齿，因为这样，至少你没有我的时候，你会疼。
★、我有十万个我爱你，每天分一个给你，那可以分273年又355天，但是我们都活不了那么久，所以我下辈子、下下辈子都还要继续说：我爱你！
★、日出东海落西山，愁也一天，喜也一天；遇事不钻牛角尖，人也舒坦，心也舒坦；常与朋友聊聊天，古也谈谈，今也谈谈，不是神仙胜似神仙；愿你快乐一整年。
★、日长夜短愁几许，高处无口几人来，一人游弋芳草地，十土脚下披衣裳，天鹅展翅鸟不回，白刀纯酒无意义，空儿一钩三点雨。（月亮代表我的心）
★、春雨季，梧桐树上结丝绸；夏日凉，两人阵中称英雄；秋风起，鸿雁传音数千里；冬雪飘，美女为何露半腰。（绝对重要）
★、有句话一直没敢对你说，再不说就没机会了：你真的好讨厌……讨人喜欢，百看不厌！
★、木目跨于心，古人做反文，小和尚光头，凄惨无泪水。（想做你妻）
★、树儿睁开眼，小子屋下眠，良心缺一点，日落残兔边。（相见恨晚）
★、欧几里德留下了几何原本，传抄在雪白的羊皮纸上，距今已有两千三百多年；阿波罗尼生於帕加，凝视著永恒的圆锥曲线；丢番图却在静静的欣赏不定方程的解，微分、级数、离散、收敛是谁的发现？喜欢你在连续之中逼近我的极限，经过剑桥三一学院，我以牛顿之名许愿，思念就像傅利叶级数一样蔓延，当空间只剩下拓扑的语言，映射就成了永垂不朽的诗篇，我给你的爱写在Banach空间，深埋在康托尔集合里面，用超越数去超越永远，那一绝对收敛的数列，一万年都不变。
★、每当我想你一次，上帝就落下一颗沙，于是便有了撒哈拉。每当我错过一个女孩，我就在地上放一块砖，于是便有了长城。
★、每当我错过一个女孩，我就在地上放一块砖，于是便有了长城。
★、没有钱的浪漫，我可以牵着你的手漫步在满布白沙的海滩；１元的浪漫，我可以在冷清的公共电话亭旁拨通电话关心你；１０元的浪漫，我可以在炎热的夏日买支棒冰让你消暑解热；１００元的浪漫，我可以在寒冷的夜晚买份关东煮温暖你手心；１０００元的浪漫，我可以陪你逛街买你喜欢的衣服；１００００元的浪漫，我可以买手机给你，让我俩幸福的声音零距离。
★、牛靠和尚屋，两人抬一木，两木不成林，水中鸳鸯成双对，一心两意记念谁，丝线穿针十一口，女氏还在日上游。（特来相亲想结婚）
★、狼无良心在青山，山山相叠真壮观，有米一斗头上顶，下人抬头日为天，百日去一剩九九，知在里来病在边。（猜出来是白痴）
★、看见你精神百倍，梦见你忘却疲惫，想你想得无法入睡，别说你还无所谓，收下我的红玫瑰，不爱我就是你的不对！
★、祝你新的一年，工作忙中有闲，自己打牌赢钱，存折增加无限，口袋装满美元，美女挤满床前，精力充沛源源，情人又猛又甜。不管大海再多水，大山再多伟，蜘蛛再多腿，辣椒再辣嘴，总之你最美，快乐永不悔！天气慢慢转坏，凉风渐渐袭来；因为你的可爱，特意给你关怀；晚上被子要盖，免得手脚冷坏；没事刁根骨头，这样可以补钙；不要说我太坏，祝你新年愉快！年年圆满如意，月月事事顺心，日日喜悦无忧，时时高兴欢喜，刻刻充满朝气。钟声是我的问候，歌声是我的祝福，雪花是我的贺卡，美酒是我的飞吻，清风是我的拥抱，快乐是我的礼物！
★、等我有了钱，我要用人头马给你冲厕所，用美钞给你点烟，用９９９朵玫瑰给你洗泡泡浴，用波音飞机接你上下班，用还珠格格给你当丫鬟，用肯德基把你喂胖，然后用宝马送你去屠场……
★、蓝蓝的天空白云飘，白云下面我傻傻跑，背着爱的行囊把你追，直到天荒地老，灵魂出窍向外冒。
★、诚征女友：性格跟你一样，相貌和你雷同，外型与你如出一辙，可爱与你不相上下，给我感觉和你分毫不差！
★、都说流星有求必应，我愿在星空下等待，等到一颗星被我感动，载着我的思念和祝福，落在你熟睡的枕边。
★、青山寺上一丛竹，天鹅还在鸟已去。前尘往事以成空，白云心中多条虹。心中有情藏不住，站在高处看远方。称断人和有谁知。（等我亲自说爱你）
★、首先先在心里想一个９以下的数字，加１，再乘以２，再加４，再除以２，最后减掉一开始心里想的那个数字，再加上５１７，这结果就是代表我想对你说的话！