Conversation Scripts

Hu is the new leader of China

SCENE-: After Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China, the day in the Oval Office; George Bush and Condoleezza Rice.
Operator: Mr. President, Condoleezza Rice is here to see you.
George: Good, send her in.
Operator: Yes, sir. (Phone hangs up. Condi enters.)
Condi~: Good morning, Mr. President.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi~: Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George: Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condi~: Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi~: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi~: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi~: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi~: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi~: Hu.
George: The Chinaman?
Condi~: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi~: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi~: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi~: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi~: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi~: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi~: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi~: No, sir.
(Pause. Crumples paper)
George: Look, Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don’t you get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi~: Kofi Annan?
George: No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap ...
Condi~: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi~: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condi~: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi~: Call who?
George: -- who is the guy at the U.N.
Condi~: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi~: Kofi?
George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone... after a while -)
Condi~: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.
(Door slams. Music...)

Who's On First

— the best standup about baseball ever

Abbott ~: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott ~: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott ~: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott ~: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott ~: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott ~: French?
Costello: Goofè.
Abbott ~: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott ~: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Abbott ~: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott ~: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott ~: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott ~: Yes.
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott ~: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott ~: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott ~: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott ~: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott ~: Yes.
(PAUSE)
Abbott ~: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott ~: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott ~: Yes.
(PAUSE)
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Abbott ~: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott ~: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott ~: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott ~: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott ~: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott ~: All right.
(PAUSE)
Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott ~: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott ~: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott ~: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott ~: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott ~: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott ~: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott ~: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
(PAUSE)
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott ~: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott ~: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott ~: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott ~: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott ~: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott ~: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott ~: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott ~: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
Abbott ~: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott ~: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
(PAUSE)
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott ~: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott ~: Oh, he's centerfield.
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott ~: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott ~: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott ~: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott ~: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott ~: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott ~: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott ~: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
(PAUSE)
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott ~: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott ~: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott ~: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
(PAUSE)
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott ~: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott ~: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
(PAUSE)
Abbott ~: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott ~: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott ~: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott ~: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott ~: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott ~: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott ~: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott ~: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott ~: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott ~: Oh, that's our shortstop.

---

The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America is ruled by it like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come. -James Earl Jones as Terence Mann in Field Of Dreams.
Here's a transcript of the Kids in the Hall sketch pardoying the famous routine. Kevin and Dave play the not so well renowned team of McGillicuty and Greene:

Kevin: "Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team."
David: "No. I'm a vaudevillian."
Kevin: "No, I think you manage a baseball team!"
David: "Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team."
Kevin: "I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays."
David: "Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base."
Kevin: "Who's on first base?"
David: "Yes."
Kevin: "Who?"
David: "Yes, Hu is the man on first base."
Kevin: "Why are you asking me; I'm asking you! What's the name of the guy on first base?"
David: "No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions."
Kevin: "I dunno (whispers) third base."
David: "Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase 'Gee, I dunno,' but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno."
Kevin: "That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals."
David: "What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job."
Kevin: "Bastaaaard!"


⇒ More on Call Center jokes ...

Computer Salesman

Abbott ~: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. How can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Abbott ~: Mac?
Costello: No, the name is Lou.
Abbott ~: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott ~: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name is Lou.
Abbott ~: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Does it get stuffy?
Abbott ~: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Abbott ~: Wallpaper, desktop, …
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott ~: Software that runs on Windows?
Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Abbott ~: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott ~: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott ~: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott ~: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office.
Abbott ~: Office for Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott ~: Word.
Costello: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Abbott ~: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott ~: The Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott ~: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in "office for windows?"
Abbott ~: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
Costello: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
Abbott ~: RealOne.
Costello: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
Abbott ~: RealOne.
Costello: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
Abbott ~: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott ~: RealOne.
Costello: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott ~: You click the blue 1.
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott ~: The blue 1.
Costello: Is that different from the blue W?
Abbott ~: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott ~: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
Abbott ~: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott ~: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
Costello: And that word is the real one?
Abbott ~: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
Costello: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott ~: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: Money comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott ~: Exactly. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Abbott ~: Just one copy.
Costello: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
Abbott ~: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Costello: Microsoft can license you to make money?
Abbott ~: Why not? They own it.
Costello: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Abbott ~: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Costello: Well, what do you sell in its place?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: You sell money?
Abbott ~: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
Costello: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Abbott ~: Simply Accounting.
Costello: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
Abbott ~: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
Costello: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Abbott ~: Mind Your Own Business.
Costello: I beg your pardon?
Abbott ~: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Costello: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
Abbott ~: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
Costello: More money?
Abbott ~: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
Costello: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might ...... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
Abbott ~: GoBack.
Costello: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
Abbott ~: GoBack.
Costello: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
Abbott ~: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
Costello: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Abbott ~: Word.
Costello: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
Abbott ~: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
Abbott ~: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. -- Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. How can I help you?

Care For Your Name

Caller ~: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller ~: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller ~: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller ~: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller ~: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller ~: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller ~: Oh ......God!!! !

---

"I know One Thing, That I Know Nothing" –- Socrates