The Best ID

年度最佳网名评选

下面是从400多个搞笑网名中评选出来的14个网名，并分别为他们颁发不同的奖项。

★、爬上墙头等红杏
　　最具耐心奖：【评】见过守株待兔的，但爬上墙头等别人‘红杏出墙’的倒是第一次见。

★、一般一般全国第三
　　最谦虚奖：【评】没有自称全国第一确实难得，但我们想知道他这个“第三”根据什么标准得的？

★、一脸的美人痣！
　　最腻心奖：【评】想知道“宁缺勿滥”什么意思，看看她的脸就知道了。

★、阏！！
　　最有学问奖：【评】经调查全国75％的网友不明白这个字的意思，其实是“郁闷（於门）”之意，因此该网名获“最有学问奖”实至名归。

★、猪是的念来过倒
　　最佳整蛊奖：【评】看过的100％会中招，没有不倒过来念的。

★、帅得惊动党中央
　　最自夸奖：【评】真的是吹牛不上税，但吹牛吹得这么有创意倒也难得，同时获奖的还有“毛主席夸我帅”。

★、非洲小白脸
　　最不合逻辑奖：【评】非常遗憾他没有来到现场领奖，我们非常想看看非洲的小白脸和台湾的黑人陈建州谁更白一点！

★、怕瓦落地
　　最具名人效应奖：【评】这条网名的创意不仅仅在于它巧妙地与世界名人帕瓦罗蒂谐音，更重要的是它提醒我们一个现状：现在危房多，尤其是那些在危房里上学的孩子，特别“怕瓦落地”。

★、唐伯虎点蚊香
　　最无厘头奖：【评】能拿无里头的杰出代表周星驰的电影《唐伯虎点秋香》开涮，获此奖无可争议。

★、卖血上网
　　最痴迷网友奖：【评】古有卖身葬父，今有卖血上网；一个孝感天地，一个e网情深。

★、朝三暮四郎
　　最花心奖：【评】这个奖颁得有些误会，因为这位来自日本网友并不花心，他的真名是佐佐木，因为排行老四，故称佐佐木四郎，不幸的是他的汉语拼音不是很准，拼成了“朝三暮四郎”，故被人误会成花心大萝卜。

Seattle Blackout

　　七古·记梦 (2006.12)
　　　　——冬月夜断电，笑醒说梦里事，化为打油以记。
　　惊闻飓风掠此地，参天大树连根起。
　　一夜断电数十哩，回到黑暗古世纪。
　　无书无灯伴孤寂，缺网缺乐难游戏。
　　冰床冻窟昏睡时，奇情怪想入梦里。
　　找个工作看监狱，太太开车送我去。
　　每天先到诺曼底，游泳横渡英吉利。
　　白鞋上色用黑漆，做事无功费力气。
　　醒后难料人间事，如此奇谭实有趣。

Ai Piah Cia Eh Yia (爱拼才会赢)

爱拼才会赢─2006中秋晚会　　　　　　台语原唱：Ai Piah Cia Eh Yia 　(葉啟田)

填词：王怀钦 海天茫茫漫漫征程， 长风浩荡吹我梦醒。 又见万顷波浪，点点月明， 寥廓天地我心憧憬。 虽说是桑田沧海变无形， 要创造崭新黎明。 皓月、群星，随潮汐伴我去远行。 破浪乘长风，奋力向前冲， 爱拼才会赢。

词曲：陳百潭 一時失志嘸免怨嘆， 一時落魄嘸免膽寒。 那通失去希望，每日醉茫茫， 無魂有體親像稻草人。 人生可比是海上的波浪， 有時起、有時落。 好運、歹運，總嘛要照起工來行。 三分天註定，七分靠打拚， 愛拚才會贏。

西北中文开学啦！

西北中文开学啦！
──不断提高教学，坚持联合家长，团结华人力量，服务奉献社会

　　九月来临，孩子们还在恋恋不舍即将结束的暑假和丰富的夏日时光，而西北中文学校的教职员工早已紧张地结束了暑期班的课程，开始为新的学期做好了准备。许多人还记得过去一年学校的许多显著变化。除了新任校长和换选的董事，西北中文重建起了强大的ＰＴＡ队伍，并在新的团队精神鼓舞下，无私地为学校的日常管理奉献了大量宝贵时间和人力物力。他们还增进和发展了多种文艺项目，充分丰富家长们的活动。继年初的大型春节晚会，学校组织和参与了当地每一次和华人有关的游行，表演和社区活动，包括胡锦涛主席的访问、海洋节、青岛少年音乐团和千手观音的演出等。

　　家长的全力支持和学校建设的紧密联系，不仅是西北中文一贯的传统和特色，更是学校能够最大程度地把优质的服务回馈给学生、家长、和整个社区的坚实基础。自2005年秋季，西北中文学校启动了一系列重大措施和改革，包括正式建立教师档案和管理队伍，课本全部免费，通过互联网注册来简化入学手续和分班程序，扩充教室，创办由老师和学生投稿的电子杂志，在适龄年级订阅语文报刊，增设幼儿舞蹈班和体操班吸引孩子们的兴趣，加大对家长活动的支持，规范演出管理，为老年家长们提供免费的英语课，等等。在这里，西北中文学校远远超出了一个简单的中文课堂的范畴。

　　对于西北中文学校的董事会和管理队伍来说，这些众多的活动和改变最终围绕着一个所有学生和家长关心的问题，那就是如何保持和提高办学的素质。在总结过去一年的成绩之时，校长周琳特别指出：“西北中文是一所非盈利的由家长创办的中文学校。这决定了我们会尽最大努力为家长提供全方位的服务．所以学校有许多给家长的课程和活动，这也使得学校在本地的华人社区有显著的地位．而另一方面，我们决不会忽视中文教育的重要性．毕竟家长们来这里的最初目的是让孩子们学好中文．提高教学质量和丰富教学内容始终是我们的指导方针．＂

　　周琳校长又谈到：从去年开始，学校的入学人数进一步突破千人．这标志着经过十年的发展，西北中文学校进入了一个更高的阶段．最突出的表现就在于整个学校需要一个专业的全职管理队伍来负责从教学到文体活动等一系列工作的规划和实施．周琳认为对管理人员来说，这既是一个矛盾，也是一种挑战。因为如果缺乏专业的管理，学校很容易在规模膨胀的同时丧失教学的统一标准而不再保持精品、甚至流失人才让后来者居上；但作为一个非盈利的由家长联合的组织，过于严谨或繁复的管理机构也可能消弱家长参与的积极性、降低办事效率，并陷入盈利的循环从而改变学校的办学性质。

　　自去年夏天董事会聘请具有商业管理背景的周琳出任西北中文学校校长，学校的各个方面都显示出新的气象。周琳指出，做校长对她来说也是一种新的经历，她并没有也决不希望照搬任何商业管理的模式。她非常赞赏西北中文学校的成功道路，认识到这里的家长人才济济，有不同年龄和来自各行各界的精英。周琳表示自己最大的工作就是充分支持、调动和发挥学生、家长和老师这三方的积极性和能动性。她进一步强调一个精简而不失效率的行政队伍，其宗旨和手段在目前和将来对学校的发展至关重要。这一宗旨就是围绕着中文教育和文化传播，而手段则是兼顾教学管理和加强华人社区的建设。

　　身为西北中文学校校长的周琳，同时也是其他华人社区和各种文化活动的积极参与者。她从不在意是否悬挂任何头衔，在各重大活动中都认真发挥自己的规划管理专长，切实做好具体工作，并把西北中文学校的名声传播到每一个家庭。由于她本人平时在华盛顿湖科技大学上班也肩负着繁忙的管理职责，周琳不得不把包括周末在内所有的业余时间都用在和中文学校相关的事务上。可以说在这个周六学校的兼职岗位上，周琳做的是另一份全职的工作。特别令她感到欣慰的是在教育领域施展了自己的专长。对中文事业的蓬勃发展，周琳坚信海外华人有足够的能力和聪明才智形成有影响力的团结实体并服务于社会。

　　在充分权衡自由与管理、传统和改革的现实冲突中，周琳自上任之日起就以发扬“团结和奉献＂的精神，对内全心办学，对外则是拼力打造西北中文学校的品牌。她把目光聚集在家长和学生们的切实需求上，提供最大的努力让每一个来到这所周末学校的人都有一个愉快学习和活动的星期六。这样一个热闹的华人社区，既增强了教师和家长的凝聚力，又极大地吸引了外界所有对中文或学校感兴趣的人。周琳认为教学管理和家长活动是学校互为依靠却又不可替代的两个方面。对于教学质量的审核，周琳强调要采取条理严谨的行政管理手段；而针对社团的建设和学校的发展，则应该灵活地结合富有进取性的市场公关策略。

　　2006新学年伊始，学校将在行政上做出一些调整。原来担任教务长的李群和林玮琦分别出任专管语文和副科教学的副校长。他们将完全放下原有的教学任务，专职负责行政管理。林玮琦和李群都拥有相关背景的学位，在西北中文有超过六年的教务经验。周琳介绍说：“这是一个非常艰难的抉择。林玮琪是学校最好的中文老师之一。李群不仅在中文学校，在整个华盛顿州都赫赫有名，今年年初他带队参加全国数学竞赛，为华盛顿州取得了第二名的好成绩。学校需要优秀的老师，但也亟需管理人才。我们将着眼于长久的发展，给其他的老师提供更多的实践和培训机会，全面地提高整体的教学质量。＂

　　本着非盈利和自我办学的宗旨，在十年的发展中，西北中文不仅成为西北地区最大的一所拥有千名以上从学前到成人班多科目的并获得教育机构学分认证的周六学校，更是众多海外华人的联谊中心。学校的董事会完全由学生家长组成。现任董事长苗进超，副董事长那济源，ＰＴＡ主席胡晓君。现任校长周琳。

　　西北中文学校位于华盛顿湖东岸科克兰市11605　132nd　Ave　NE。西雅图分校地址：1301　E　Yesler　Way。今年学校将开设47个中文班和34个选修课，这包括了新增设的中文基础加强班，天才预备班，WASL数学班及英文写作班，高中奥林匹克数学班，和书法班。开学在即，如果您希望加入西北中文学校，欢迎联系校长电话：206-349-6927或访问http://www.nwchinese.org/获取详尽信息。


2006.8.30

Conversation Scripts

Hu is the new leader of China

SCENE-: After Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China, the day in the Oval Office; George Bush and Condoleezza Rice.
Operator: Mr. President, Condoleezza Rice is here to see you.
George: Good, send her in.
Operator: Yes, sir. (Phone hangs up. Condi enters.)
Condi~: Good morning, Mr. President.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi~: Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George: Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condi~: Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi~: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi~: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi~: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi~: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi~: Hu.
George: The Chinaman?
Condi~: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya asking me for?
Condi~: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi~: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi~: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi~: Yes sir.
George: Yassir? You mean Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi~: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi~: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi~: No, sir.
(Pause. Crumples paper)
George: Look, Condi, you're starting to piss me off now, and it's not 'cause you're black neither. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don’t you get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. I bet he knows.
Condi~: Kofi Annan?
George: No, thanks. And Condi, call me George. Stop with that ebonics crap ...
Condi~: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi~: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the United Nations.
Condi~: Kofi?
George: No, milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi~: Call who?
George: -- who is the guy at the U.N.
Condi~: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi~: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N!
Condi~: Kofi?
George: all right! Light with sugar. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone... after a while -)
Condi~: Rice here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too, Condi. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? I don't know.
(Door slams. Music...)

Who's On First

— the best standup about baseball ever

Abbott ~: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bookie Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott ~: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
Abbott ~: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott ~: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott ~: Daffy Dean...
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott ~: French?
Costello: Goofè.
Abbott ~: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
Costello: That's what I want to find out.
Abbott ~: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Abbott ~: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy playing...
Abbott ~: Who is on first!
Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.
Abbott ~: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott ~: Yes.
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
Abbott ~: Certainly.
Costello: Who's playing first?
Abbott ~: That's right.
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott ~: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy that gets...
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: Who gets the money...
Abbott ~: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Whose wife?
Abbott ~: Yes.
(PAUSE)
Abbott ~: What's wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: The guy.
Abbott ~: Who.
Costello: How does he sign...
Abbott ~: That's how he signs it.
Costello: Who?
Abbott ~: Yes.
(PAUSE)
Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Abbott ~: No. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott ~: Who's on first.
Costello: One base at a time!
Abbott ~: Well, don't change the players around.
Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
Abbott ~: Take it easy, buddy.
Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
Abbott ~: That's right.
Costello: Ok.
Abbott ~: All right.
(PAUSE)
Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
Abbott ~: No. What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott ~: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott ~: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
Abbott ~: Why you mentioned his name.
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott ~: No. Who's playing first.
Costello: What's on first?
Abbott ~: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott ~: He's on third.
Costello: There I go, back on third again!
(PAUSE)
Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
Abbott ~: All right, what do you want to know?
Costello: Now who's playing third base?
Abbott ~: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: What am I putting on third.
Abbott ~: No. What is on second.
Costello: You don't want who on second?
Abbott ~: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
Abbott ~: Sure.
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott ~: Why.
Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott ~: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Abbott ~: Who's playing first.
Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
Abbott ~: No, What is on second.
Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Abbott ~: Who's on first!
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
(PAUSE)
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott ~: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott ~: Oh, he's centerfield.
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott ~: Sure.
Costello: The pitcher's name?
Abbott ~: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
Abbott ~: I'm telling you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott ~: Tomorrow!
Costello: What time?
Abbott ~: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Abbott ~: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
Abbott ~: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
(PAUSE)
Costello: Gotta a catcher?
Abbott ~: Certainly.
Costello: The catcher's name?
Abbott ~: Today.
Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott ~: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
(PAUSE)
Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
Abbott ~: So they tell me.
Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott ~: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
(PAUSE)
Abbott ~: That's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott ~: Yes!
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
(PAUSE)
Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: Naturally?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott ~: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott ~: That's different.
Costello: That's what I said.
Abbott ~: You're not saying it...
Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott ~: You throw it to Who.
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: That's what I said!
Abbott ~: You ask me.
Costello: I throw the ball to who?
Abbott ~: Naturally.
Costello: Now you ask me.
Abbott ~: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott ~: That's it.
Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott ~: What?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott ~: Oh, that's our shortstop.

---

The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America is ruled by it like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past, Ray. It reminds us of all that once was good, and that could be again. Oh, people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come. -James Earl Jones as Terence Mann in Field Of Dreams.
Here's a transcript of the Kids in the Hall sketch pardoying the famous routine. Kevin and Dave play the not so well renowned team of McGillicuty and Greene:

Kevin: "Say Mr. Greene, I hear you manage a baseball team."
David: "No. I'm a vaudevillian."
Kevin: "No, I think you manage a baseball team!"
David: "Yes of course, yes I do manage a baseball team."
Kevin: "I understand some of the players have rather strange nicknames, rather silly pet names the players have nowadays."
David: "Yes, it's true. In fact, I have the team roster with me right here. For instance, Hu is on first base, Watt is on second, and Iduno is on third base."
Kevin: "Who's on first base?"
David: "Yes."
Kevin: "Who?"
David: "Yes, Hu is the man on first base."
Kevin: "Why are you asking me; I'm asking you! What's the name of the guy on first base?"
David: "No no, Watt is on - oh, I see what your problem is! Look, you're confused by their names, because they all sound like questions."
Kevin: "I dunno (whispers) third base."
David: "Well, I'll explain it to you. See, on first base is Hu, Samuel Hu, and you're probably not familiar with that name because his grandfather was Chinese. And on second base is Hector Watt, W-A-T-T Watt, and that's not so unusual because James Watt invented the steam engine. And on third base is Phil Iduno, I-D-U-N-O, and if you do say that fast, it does sound like the phrase 'Gee, I dunno,' but it's actually Iduno, Phil Iduno."
Kevin: "That's it. You're hopeless, you're pathetic, you're the worst straight man I ever worked with. I quit. I should have never saved you from those seals."
David: "What are you talking about? I auditioned for this job."
Kevin: "Bastaaaard!"


⇒ More on Call Center jokes ...

Computer Salesman

Abbott ~: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. How can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Abbott ~: Mac?
Costello: No, the name is Lou.
Abbott ~: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott ~: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name is Lou.
Abbott ~: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Does it get stuffy?
Abbott ~: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Abbott ~: Wallpaper, desktop, …
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott ~: Software that runs on Windows?
Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Abbott ~: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott ~: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott ~: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott ~: Yes.
Costello: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott ~: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office.
Abbott ~: Office for Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott ~: Word.
Costello: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Abbott ~: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott ~: The Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott ~: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in "office for windows?"
Abbott ~: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
Costello: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
Abbott ~: RealOne.
Costello: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
Abbott ~: RealOne.
Costello: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
Abbott ~: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott ~: RealOne.
Costello: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott ~: You click the blue 1.
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott ~: The blue 1.
Costello: Is that different from the blue W?
Abbott ~: Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott ~: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
Abbott ~: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott ~: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
Costello: And that word is the real one?
Abbott ~: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
Costello: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott ~: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: Money comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott ~: Exactly. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Abbott ~: Just one copy.
Costello: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
Abbott ~: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Costello: Microsoft can license you to make money?
Abbott ~: Why not? They own it.
Costello: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Abbott ~: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Costello: Well, what do you sell in its place?
Abbott ~: Money.
Costello: You sell money?
Abbott ~: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
Costello: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Abbott ~: Simply Accounting.
Costello: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
Abbott ~: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
Costello: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Abbott ~: Mind Your Own Business.
Costello: I beg your pardon?
Abbott ~: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Costello: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
Abbott ~: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
Costello: More money?
Abbott ~: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
Costello: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might ...... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
Abbott ~: GoBack.
Costello: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
Abbott ~: GoBack.
Costello: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
Abbott ~: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
Costello: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Abbott ~: Word.
Costello: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
Abbott ~: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
Abbott ~: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. -- Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. How can I help you?

Care For Your Name

Caller ~: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller ~: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller ~: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller ~: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller ~: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller ~: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller ~: Oh ......God!!! !

---

"I know One Thing, That I Know Nothing" –- Socrates

能人汇聚，众志成城，西北中文再显集体力量

　　在最近刚结束的中华人民共和国主席胡锦涛访问西雅图的盛大庆祝活动中，西北中文学校再次凸显集体团结的力量，从起始的准备工作到最后两天欢迎欢送现场的一切事项都布置得井井有序，为总体的成功发挥了巨大的作用。

最繁忙的一周
　　早在几周之前，华盛顿州地区的各界华侨就已经开始自愿地组织欢迎胡锦涛主席的来访。虽然欢庆欢送时间都安排在工作日，陆续报名的人数一直稳定地增长，有两三千人要求参加全部两天的活动。为此，侨界专门成立了筹备委员会，邀请各个社团的负责人和积极分子献计献策，共同参与。西北中文学校凭借在西雅图地区的广泛影响力，数天内就在学校收到几百人的申请。除了组织自己的团队，学校董事长苗进超和校长周琳同时分管整体活动的各项安排和计划，并协调和其他团体的联络。
　　作为西北地区最大的中文教育机构，西北中文可以说早已名声在外。十年的发展和壮大，学校为服务社区贡献了无数心血，也在家长和教师的集体中凝聚了一批企业中的优秀人才。在此次活动中，西北中文再次显示出强大的号召力和细致严谨的领导管理风格，从收集申请，到布置路线和运送车辆都做得有条不紊。校长周琳介绍说，“这是自年初成功举办春节晚会以来最繁忙的一周。在旧金山领事馆的协助下，我们准备了大量旗帜和标语，并为每个人办理了安全通行证。学校排演了腰鼓队，还预先选好了口号和歌曲。指定的几位老师会随车负责把大家送到活动现场，以及预备饮水和午餐。”如同一个大型的项目管理，每个细节被认真地考虑在整体的计划中。一切就绪，大家都热切地等待着活动的开始。

红旗的海洋
　　想必许多人都已经在新闻中看到这次活动场面的盛大和热烈。胡锦涛主席在西雅图受到了前所未有的欢迎。时逢雨季的西雅图持续两天晴空万里，远处的雪山被蓝天绿树映得分外清晰。在春花烂漫、湖光秀丽的美景中，由中国城的华侨们组织表演的“三龙九狮”从机场为这次活动拉开了喜庆的序幕。中午，当礼宾车队缓缓驶向城区胡主席将要下榻的酒店，站在对面和街道两侧的就是西北中文学校等一排排的欢迎队伍。这里有老人也有儿童；有大学的学生，也有请假来参加活动的上班一族；有本地的华侨，也有专程从俄勒冈州波特兰和加拿大温哥华等地赶来的欢迎团队。他们自上午八点就已经聚集起来了，但长时等待的辛苦并没有减弱一丝震天的口号。
　　在阵阵的锣鼓声中，最耀眼的是一面面迎风招展的五星红旗。这次欢迎活动的过程中，有几个反对和抗议团体试图占据街道的显要位置为自己的标语造成声势。只是瞬间他们就被更多的欢迎人群淹没在一片红色的海洋中。当天参加欢迎的学校家长们兴奋地描述了整个过程。他们一致表示看到这样多的华人自发地前来助兴，真是从心里为祖国的进步感到喜悦和骄傲。同时，许多参与者也指出一些媒体不公正地只顾报道负面的消息，而忽略主流的欢迎场面。更多人也由此体会到要团结不要分裂的重要性。一位家长说，“炎黄子孙越是团结，祖国就越有实力。中国的强盛，最终会让每个人受益。”

东风压倒西风
　　这次在西雅图的欢迎活动举办得成功，一个重要的原因就是来自各界群众发自内心的支持。在报名参加的人中，大多数一开始只是出于好奇想亲眼目睹这样重大的事件。但当从清晨就陆陆续续来到市区的部分群众遇到那些早就谋划好地盘的抗议组织时，大家实在是看不惯那种撑着虎皮大旗分裂自己祖国的卑鄙勾当，不由自主地团结了起来。如长城般排开的人群，一会儿就把声嘶力竭的抗议声淹没在喧天的口号和锣鼓中。下午当胡主席在微软参观时，一小撮抗议者故技重施，死皮赖脸地挤到办公楼前吵吵嚷嚷。这反倒激增了几百名微软员工的爱国意识。他们迅速组成游行队伍，以庞大气势表现了海外学子义正词严的战斗热忱。
　　目击这些感人的场面，个别当地的报刊居然歪曲事实，把“新闻自由”变成了“自由新闻”。造谣生事者有之，避重就轻者有之。某个记者还在数字上玩儿起了游戏，写到抗议人数就用乘法，提起欢迎人数就改用除法，还辩解说是要表达不同观点。一个“无冕之王”就这样不负责任地用“数字化”新闻任意发挥“民主”精神，把自己贬低成无冕之“氓”。针对如此颠倒黑白、混淆是非的政治小丑，前任西北中文学校校长梁越率先置疑斥责。著名侨领徐亚光和西北中文学校董事会主席苗进超带领爱国华侨们立刻在网络上发起了声讨，并向报社抗议。正所谓同仇敌忾，众志成城，更多的中国人站在一起，显示出人心向背的正义之声。

明星腰鼓队
　　要说谁是这次活动的明星，恐怕除了来访的胡主席就是西北中文学校的腰鼓队！几乎每家电视新闻的报道中都出现了腰鼓队的身影。观看过今年西北中文学校举办的春节晚会的家长们一定对腰鼓队的开场表演记忆犹新；参加去年赛龙舟盛会的人们也能想起他们铿锵的鼓点儿。多年来，西北中文学校腰鼓队一直是华盛顿州地区许多盛大庆祝活动的开场节目。通过这两天精彩纷呈的展现，这支腰鼓队更是散发出闪亮的魅力。
　　在酒店前的欢迎仪式上，原先的计划是让腰鼓队从车队进入视线时开始只连续表演五分钟的时间。但当车队终于到达时，群情振奋，国旗挥动，锣鼓震天，呼声一浪高过一浪。许多轿车落下车窗，街道上的人群可以清楚地看到中方和美方的领导人向外招手示意。整个车队竟行驶了十几分钟。持续舞动身段的腰鼓队员在阵阵鼓声中直打到手酸臂痛。难得他们平时训练有素，又是“久经沙场”，紧接着第二天上午全体又一次加入了欢送的庆典。为了配合舞狮舞龙的表演，腰鼓队变换鼓点，让有力的节拍响彻在开阔的停机坪上。

一线“特勤”校长
　　象这样重大的访问活动，现场当然少不了大批警察和联邦特勤人员。有意思的是，西北中文学校的校长竟也不经意地客串了一回“特勤”。在第一天欢迎活动中，由于太多的人堵满了街道，警察只好严格地把大家都限制在人行道上的围栏线后面。虽然各个团队已经预先选好了位置，但被警察这样一拦，秩序反倒显得乱起来。这边一些人不太能听清警察的指令，那面的联邦特勤人员也不知道该怎么用中文喊话。这时，一直站在街道上的西北中文学校校长周琳急忙上前疏导。看到周琳镇定自若的指挥，那些穿着便衣的特勤人员和警察竟没有一个人要求她走回人行道上，反而请她帮忙维护秩序。
　　第二天在机场的欢送活动中，换作一身黑色衣裤的周琳更是被当作中方的“特勤”和美国联邦调查员们一起“并肩”工作。事后大家问起校长这两天的“兼职”经历，周琳笑着说：“当时我们的人很多，担心由于语言不通，警察和特勤人员会打乱活动的预先安排，又看到各个团体的带队人也被限制在围栏线后面，一着急就亲自指挥起来。没想到几个现场的联邦调查员没有阻拦我，反倒很合作，又一再和我商量安全程序。当时只顾维护我们自己的队伍，哪里会细想他们是把我当成同行了。”周琳回想起那两天在街道上跑来跑去真是好累，可是一看到大家高昂的情绪和忙碌的情景，就象上了战场一样，什么也顾不上了。

“胡主席好!”
　　高涨的热情从欢迎活动一开始就感染了每个在场的人。在酒店的门口，许多人高兴地喊着那些他们平时在电视上所熟悉的人的名字。由于第一天车队匆匆而过，只有一部分人见到胡主席等来访的领导。大家意犹未尽，第二天一大早又赶赴波音机场参加欢送仪式。以腰鼓队为首的西北中文学校的队伍又站在了欢庆人群的显著位置。人人都想尽量靠近前排，整齐的行列中呈现出不少拥挤。一层层麦浪般簇动的景象，真可谓是人山人海。几个印有“统一祖国”、“繁荣昌盛”、和写有学校名字的巨大横幅高高举起，吸引了多家电视台的摄像机。
　　当胡锦涛主席稳步从欢送队伍的尽头逐一和大家握手问好时，人群更加激动起来。站在通往飞机的红地毯入口处的有包括西北中文学校董事长和校长在内的主要侨领。在使馆人员的陪同和介绍中，胡锦涛主席和每个人都握了手，然后准备继续向前走去。这时站在侨领身后的正是西北中文学校的腰鼓队。眼见胡主席擦肩而过，一名腰鼓队员大声喊道：“胡主席好！胡主席好！”已经快要踏上红地毯的胡锦涛主席听到叫声，又转过身来，缓步走向腰鼓队的位置，向大家说“辛苦了”，并和队员们亲切握手。是日，胡主席在恋恋不舍的气氛中离开西雅图，比原定停留时间超出了一个小时。

2006.4.20